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Archive for the ‘Emotions’ Category

Relief

For the first time in months, maybe years even, I have felt totally at peace and content the last few days.  The miscarriage rocked my world much deeper than I wanted to admit, even to myself.  Now I feel at peace.

I’m not really sure what brought it on, perhaps it’s a series of things.  Our house is finally completely clean (except for my office, and that doesn’t bother me at all).  Our schedule is gradually starting to come back on track.  Nick is actually asking to start homeschool again.  I’ve found some fantastic marketing classes that I am very excited to take, and have figured out how to make them possible financially.  I am excited about the potential growth these classes can bring.

I’m seeing the great potential for getting pregnant in the near future.  I was discouraged that it might not happen, but now it seems so possible.

I’ve seen vast improvement in my health over the past year.

I have friends, friends who value me as much as I do them.

I feel like me.  My hormones are balancing out, my thyroid is balancing out (yes I know that’s technically hormonal also), and I’m gradually feeling more like me.  I feel like I have been in a state of withdrawl for years, sticking my tiptoes in the water every now and then, but not really ready to immerse myself in the outside world.  Now I’m ready to re-enter the world full force.   I feel good about who I am and the things I want to do.  I feel like they are all possible.  I feel happy, safe, content, and on top of the world.  I’m ready.

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Overwhelmed

I have been so stressed out lately.  I’ve been trying to figure out why, which when I really thought about it was absurd, because there are a ton of things going on right now.  Such as:

– Mom’s surgery
– Cranky Kids
– Tons of orders that are backed up because they all came in at once.
– The decluttering project, which has kind of ended up at a standstill the last couple of weeks, leaving one room covered in junk.
– Infertility, and more specifically the slight possibility that I might actually be able to get pregnant, which would be good, but waiting is sooo hard, and I am sooo afraid of getting my hopes up to have them dashed yet again.
– The possibility of going to Nick and I going to California, but not knowing until the last minute (to take care of mom after her surgery)
– A business that skyrockets for a few weeks and then drops off suddenly out of nowhere for a week.
– Feeling overextended and like Nick isn’t getting enough of my time.
– Nick having nightmares that I took him to a mountain and left him there…. is he really feeling that insecure, or is that a normal kid thing?
– Worries about when B will no longer be here, and whether we’ll be able to not take another kid in, and if we don’t how will that affect Nick, not having another child to play with, and if we do, how will that affect him.
– Worries of not getting pregnant and Nick never having a sibling.
– Questions about whether we should try to push for another IUI if I don’t get pregnant, and if we are even capable of coming up with that kind of money, and what we would have to sacrifice to come up with it, and the fact that there’s a better chance than not that it wouldn’t work.
– Wondering if it wouldn’t be better just to adopt, even though I know in my heart that isn’t what we’re supposed to do right now, I really believe we’re supposed to give birth to another child.
– Worrying that if we do get pregnant it will stress Erik out worrying about how to pay for the medical bills.
– Up until Saturday, worrying about how big Nick’s emergency room bill was going to be (that ended up being a big relief, it dropped from $800 to $150.  Then being irrate that the hospital almost ripped us off, and would have if I hadn’t read that part of the bill to Mom.
– Wishing there was something I could do to help mom fight these crazy insurance people and her incompotent lawyer’s office.
– Worrying why I suddenly had the desire to get this bracelet, start a support group, etc…. There’s always an underlying worry about new memories cropping up and a return to those horrible times that I don’t think I’ll ever get rid of, but these things are very frightening to me.
– Trying to figure out how to make some real friends around here (as opposed to casual friends who you really like but  can’t just be 100% yourself)  because I am feeling very isolated lately.
– Worries about what people think about me, I sure do wish I could stop worrying about what people think 😦  
– Worries that we’ll never really fit into the local homeschool community because we aren’t LDS, and being treated differently when people find that out… While also knowing that we are closer to LDS than anything else in many ways.
– Feeling out of sync with God.  Not like I’m not following Him or in relationship with Him, but missing that intensely connected feeling.
– Feeling inadequate as a wife and mother
– Worrying about whether Nick is getting enough social opportunities, because he’d really just rather be at home playing.  Likewise worrying that maybew we should not push at all and just let him be, but if we do that, will he ever learn to interact with people?
– Having practically every minute of the day committed to doing something.
– Lack of good reading materials that speak to me at the moment.

and that’s just the tip of the iceberg… no wonder I’m stressed.  The worst thing is I can see that I’m causing myself most of this stress, but i don’t know how to get out of it.   I decided to try a new weekly schedule and try to break up some of the activities that I do around here onto different days to see if that would help.  I also decided I need to start scheduling in time to exercise, blog, read, relax.  I don’t think it’s enough, but hopefully it’ll be a good start.  I’ve never had trouble dealing with stress, but every now and then over the last couple of years I have just gotten overwhelmed with it all.   Emotions seem very intense to me lately, I spent so much of my early years not feeling, that even though I’ve been feeling for more than 15 years, it still just seems overwhelming sometimes (although I would much rather feel than not).   I feel like lately this blog has just been grouching and grumbling, so maybe I should focus on some good things, but then again, this is where I vent it all out so it doesn’t come out on other things.

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I was reading Tracy’s blog  today and it was amazingly on so similar a topic to what I was thinking today, that I just had to post about it.   The only problem is, I have several posts all dancing together in my head about the topic of scars.  They may come together here, or I may ended up doing them as seperate posts… so I hope you’ll stick with me.

First off, she had this wonderful quote:

Scars remind us where we’ve been,
but do not have to dictate where we are going.

I’ve believed this for many years, but I always love hearing other people say it.  Our pasts are not meant to define us.  At the same time, they do contribute to who we are today.  Every experience we have contributes to who we are, but the fact that we have a certain experience does not need to define who we are as a person, or limit us in any way.   My experiences have made me who I am, and for the most part, I am quite happy with who that is. 

What is a scar?  To me, when I think of a scar, I think of the mark left from healing a wound.  A scab is  not a scar, it has not healed, we don’t get the scar until we have actually healed the wound.  There is a very important thing to remember about scars.  Physically, when a wound heals and a scar forms, we become stronger in that place.  Skin grows back tougher after a scar than before the scar.  Bones are stronger at the place of a healed break than in unbroken places.  Emotional scars are the same way.  If we allow God to heal our wounds, then we develop a scar, a place of healing, an area where we become stronger.

No one gets through life without wounds, and without scars.  It is up to us whether we allow God to heal our gaping wounds and turn them into strong scars, or whether we refuse and keep making our wounds bleed, refusing to allow them to heal.  I’ve done both, and let me tell you, it’s better to allow God to fix and set the wound so that it can heal.  It may hurt worse for a short time, but then you will be better.  If you don’t allow him to heal it, then you will end up with a huge, gaping , stinky, pussy wound that hurts like heck and contaminates everything around it.

God wants to heal us if we will let him.  I know He is still healing me, in fact if you’ve read the posts I’ve made this week, you’ll know that I am working on healing again right now.  Still, I am constantly amazed at God’s healing power and how much He has healed me.

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I wrote a post the other day about trust.  I think it might have come across a little stronger than it was intended.  Please don’t think I don’t trust anyone, as I have a great deal of trsut in a number of people.  The problem is just that there is a part of me that was hurt very badly by a very close friend a number of years ago.  Since then, I have held back a part of myself from getting too close to people.  It hasn’t been intentional, but I realize I have been hiding parts of myself that I want to share, and I have been reluctant to make friends for the fear of being burned again.  Now, I really want to step out there again.  I have met so many wonderful women since I have moved here and seen so many people with incredible friendships, that I feel safe to do that again, mostly, but now I have to figure out how to break the bad habits I have gotten into.  How do I speak my truth, trust people to accept me as I am, not be upset about those who don’t like me (because let’s face it, there are always some people who just don’t click)?   Is it okay to just be the completely me, and say what I think and feel with people who don’t know me that well, or will I be crossing some of those unwritten boundaries that are out there? 

I have heard for so many years about boundaries.  The “problem” is that I tend to love people much faster than they love me, which I am totally okay with, but some people really do not like it when others are true and real and there.  At the same time, I look at those people I most respect, and that’s exactly how they are, they are just who they are.   That’s what I want to be again, just who I am.  I want to be able to sit quiet, listening, speaking when I have something to say.  I want to have heart to heart, deep discussions with friends and acquaintances, and skip a lot of the small talk.  I want to discuss God, and spirituality, fertility, and all of those other “taboo” topics and just let people see who I am, love them for who they are, and not feel like they will  judge me for not being like they are.

So the questions becomes, how do I get from here to there… or back to there… have I ever been there, I’m not sure…. I know I have been with some people, am I willing to risk being there with everyone?  If I do will I lose the friendships I’m forming, or will I make friendships because people will feel more connected with me?  I can handle losing the superficial friendships if it helps me make more genuine friendships, I’d make that trade in a second without even a second glance.  So, how do I do that?

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Every year I set goals for the year, some are at the beginning of the year, some get added in as the year passes.  For the past several months I have been setting up within myself for a new goal.  This may sound a little odd, but some goals require much more determination than others.  This is one of those.  I’m calling this my “speaking my truth” goal.  Those who know me know that I am generally a quiet person, unless you are my family in which case you probably think I never shut up LOL…. anyways, I have always enjoyed listening to other people and would much rather listen than talk, which I think is okay, but I’m realizing I have gotten to the point that I really need to do more talking.  I need more friends in my life, and I need to be more verbally open.  Generally I will speak to anyone about pretty much anything, as long as I have something to say, I don’t have a lot of taboo topics, but at the same time, I rarely do talk to anyone about anything, in this is what I’m working to change.  Most importantly, I want to openly discuss my beliefs, the wonderful things God has done in my life, which I realize are beyond what many people have the opportunity to experience, and which I am so grateful for.  I want to open my spirit up and pour forth my truths.  I just need to figure out how to do that now.

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I am on the cusp of something major.  My spirit is singing, my heart is open and flooding my body, the excitement and energy are pouring through me.  Am I ready?  I will be when the time arrives.  The word I hear is healer.  Allowing God to heal others minds, emotions, and spirits through me.  An honor I am excited and intimidated to take, but one that fits all of the visions I have been having for several years. 

I have a vision, a vision of who I am.

I have a vision, a vision of women gathered together to support one another’s spiritual journeys.

I have a vision, a vision of a place women can gather together to rejuvinate, learn, grow closer to God, and return to their families brimming over with His Spirit. 

I have a vision, a vision of love, peace, joy, and healing.  Of seeing others healed in the way I myself have been healed.  Of seeing others freed in the way I have been freed.  Of being to others what others were for me.

I have  vision from God, I’m going to do it.  I know he will help me, I just need to have the courage to move forward.

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This week has been one of those weeks that makes me question my sanity. Why am I doing this? Why don’t I just pack up my child and send him off to school everyday, just like most of the other mother’s in the world? It’s not that there has been any issue with homeschooling, but the kids are driving me CRAZY. They’ve been fighting non-stop around the clock it seems like. They’re yelling at each other , I’m yelling at them to stop yelling at each other, Erik’s yelling at the kids, I’m yelling at Erik, the kids are yelling more, and all I want to do is sit in the middle of the floor and cry. I am not a yelling person, I don’t like to get that angry, and I don’t like to be around yelling. I know we are all feeding off of each other, we’ve just got to break the cycle. We need a nice quiet family day, but both Erik and I have got a ton of stuff to get done this weekend, so it is not likely to happen, plus we are just coming off of a vacation where we had plenty of relaxing time. Seriously though… would public school really be so bad? No, it wouldn’t, but it isn’t the best either, and that is what I want for my son, the best… now if I can just get our house back to being the best, we’ll be all set.

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