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As I sat at gymnastics today with Nick, I couldn’t help but be struck with how incredibly fortunate I am to be surrounded by wonderful women who are absolutely fantastic mothers.  These women are kind, gentle, patient, loving mothers, and even when they get flustered or upset, they handle it so beautifully.  I’m sure they are not perfect, but still, they are truly wonderful. 

Everytime I go to Explorer’s club, gymnastics, or any of our other homeschooling activities, I get to see these beautiful women parenting their children with all of the love, kindness, and respect that I strive to treat my son with.  I so often feel like I fall so short of the mother I want to be.  Yet being with these women, watching how they handle situations, I feel like I gain new skills to be a better mother.  Plus it is sheer joy just to see parenting done so right.

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Last Saturday was one of the HOPE classes, and ever since it I have been a jumble of emotions.  The class was very interesting, and I learned many things I did not know.  It was also very emotional, I spent half of it with tears running down my eyes, sometimes from the stories Tracy told, sometimes from my own personal feelings tied around it.  I’m still trying to process through the jumble of emotions there. 

I know some of it was sadness over the catastrophe that was my experience giving birth to Nick.   Don’t get me wrong, I love my boy, but nothing at his birth seemed to go right beyond that fact that he was born healthy.  I’m not going to go into all of the details, but having to wait hours to hold him and love on him was murder on me, and the entire experience has left me so sad everytime I think about it.  This beautiful moment got turned into something that became overwhelming and left me feeling very vulnerable, and I still wonder about so many of the choices I made regarding his birth.

  But, that was only a part of the emotions.  Of course another big part was naturally wanting desperately to get pregnant.  I know I have at least 1 more baby waiting to come here into this world and be a part of our family.  I love that baby, and I feel like we need that baby to fill a place in our family that is just sitting there waiting for him.  

Even beyond that though, there is so much more emotion.  I worry about the effects of the stressful pregnancy on Nick.  Nick never seems to feel fully safe anywhere, and I wonder, did I pass this to him when he was in the womb, did I communicate to him that he wasn’t safe?  I felt like I was constantly battling to keep him safe and alive, and now I wonder if all of that worry, and all of those battles communicated to him that this world is not a safe place. 

I’m sure I’ll be writing much more about this as it all starts to gel out in my mind, or perhaps not, perhaps the tears and sadness that came from these things is finally healing.  I know the words Tracy spoke started a healing process… I guess it’s just a matter of time to see what road that process will take.

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So Proud

I am so proud of Nick today.  He overcame a major hurdle for himself.  I’m sure the struggle isn’t completely over for him, but he showed incredible restraint and determination today and managed to diffuse a situation that could have gotten quite ugly had he decided differently.  I posted about it on our homeschool blog  but just had to say something here too.

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Nick is 6 today! I put a post on our family blog in honor of his 6th birthday. It’s got some fun photos, you should really check it out!

http://ourlifeashomeschoolers.wordpress.com/2010/07/09/my-boy-is-6/

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Family Blog Updated

I finally got our family blog updated! Check it out:
http://dayinthehomeschoollife.blogspot.com/

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This week has been one of those weeks that makes me question my sanity. Why am I doing this? Why don’t I just pack up my child and send him off to school everyday, just like most of the other mother’s in the world? It’s not that there has been any issue with homeschooling, but the kids are driving me CRAZY. They’ve been fighting non-stop around the clock it seems like. They’re yelling at each other , I’m yelling at them to stop yelling at each other, Erik’s yelling at the kids, I’m yelling at Erik, the kids are yelling more, and all I want to do is sit in the middle of the floor and cry. I am not a yelling person, I don’t like to get that angry, and I don’t like to be around yelling. I know we are all feeding off of each other, we’ve just got to break the cycle. We need a nice quiet family day, but both Erik and I have got a ton of stuff to get done this weekend, so it is not likely to happen, plus we are just coming off of a vacation where we had plenty of relaxing time. Seriously though… would public school really be so bad? No, it wouldn’t, but it isn’t the best either, and that is what I want for my son, the best… now if I can just get our house back to being the best, we’ll be all set.

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In-laws

I just got home from a week long trip to California. We went back for my brother-in-law’s wedding and then stayed a few extra days to visit and go to Disneyland. I was reminded yet again how lucky I am to have wonderful in-laws who I really love and who I get along with. Moving away from all of our family was one of the hardest things we’ve ever done, but the time came where living in California no longer felt like an option, the move was something we needed to do. Still, being around our families just reminded me of the incredible amount of love and wisdom we have at an arm’s reach.

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