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Archive for the ‘Infertility’ Category

The past few weeks have been a real struggle for me.  My husband and I have been dealing with infertility issues caused by my PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), for almost as long as we’ve been married (we just celebrated our 10th anniversary last July).

In 2003 I was diagnosed with PCOS, although it was obvious that I didn’t develop it in 2003, I’d had it for many years.  We had been trying to conceive for quite a while, and by the end of 2002 had started to realize there was probably going to be an issue.  Fortunately, I had really good insurance, insurance that actually covered some infertility treatments.  I was able to see an infertility doctor, and with his help, we conceived our son in October of 2003, using a combination of Ovarian stimulation (using drugs to get the ovaries to produce an egg), and IUI (intra-utertine insemination).  It was a hard journey getting to that point, and I was pretty close to falling apart by the time we found out that I was pregnant.  It was a difficult pregnancy, but in the end, our beautiful boy was born.

We decided we did not want our children too close together, and that we would wait until Nick was 3 before we really started actively pursing getting pregnant again.  However I have to admit that we did keep a bit of an eye on my cycles, and do what we could hoping for a natural “surprise” pregnancy.  It didn’t happen.  Then we decided to move to Idaho, and we didn’t want me to be pregnant, so we decided to wait until after the move.  We didn’t really think this through as well as we should have though, because there were 2 problems with that.  First off, my fabulous insurance was expiring around the time we moved, and it is impossible to get infertility coverage when you are self-employed unless you own a big business.  Second, there are no infertility doctors in our area.

We tried and tried.  I’ve spoken with doctors, they put me on Metformin, which is a drug to help regulate insulin resistance.  It makes me sick, VERY sick.  They tell you it will make you sick for a little while, but then your body will adjust.  Mine never did.  So after months of agonizing yuckiness, I finally gave up on that.

I truly feel that God has another baby for us.  I feel that with every fiber of my body, and I’m not willing to give that up.  Nor am I willing to force my son into a life as an only child.

We’ve considered adoption, and aren’t opposed to it, but I’ve never felt like it’s the way God is directing me to go.

So for years, the biggest thing standing between us and a baby has been money.  We need money for infertility treatments, and money to travel back and forth the 4 hrs that we need to go to get to the closest infertility doctor.

In 2010 we tried at Christmas time, but I ovulated on my own before the IUI, and we didn’t get pregnant (even with a perfect cycle the chances are only about 1 in 3 that we’ll get pregnant.

After the failed try, I decided to start looking into some natural treatments.  I found Dr. Mellor in Rexburg, and he felt that he could probably help us.  He has been working with me to get my health back in order.  I’ve been able to get my thyroid working properly, have gotten my blood sugar under control, lost a bit of weight (not nearly enough, but some), and I’m much healthier than I was before I started seeing him.  We even managed to get pregnant in June, but I miscarried before we even knew I was pregnant (not knowing was a blessing).  That sent me for a tailspin, but I tried to get back on track.

Now it’s been a year since I started working heavily with Dr. Mellor, and I’m still not pregnant.  The new year reminded me of the fact that we’ve crossed yet another year without a baby.

I’m NOT giving up.  I’m not losing faith, this baby will come into the world.

Sometimes though, that faith just slips away when I’m not looking, and I find myself falling apart again.  That’s what happened earlier this month.  It took several days and a lot of tears, but things are headed back on track now.  My faith is restored and our plan has been generated for the new year.  The plan is:

Start Acupuncture – I have my first appointment next week.  Acupuncture has been shown to be very useful in treating infertility.  It also improves the likelihood of infertility treatments.

Do an infertility treatment – this one is pending on us either being able to raise enough money or not being hit too hard with taxes this year.

In the meantime, I’ll be working on acupuncture, nutrition, weight loss, and trying to find some fundraising ideas that will help us meet our goals.  Plus praying, praying a lot.  Praying, and praying, and believing, and knowing that it will happen, hopefully sooner than later.  So if you pray, please pray with me, pray that we’ll get pregnant quickly and not have to go do the infertility treatments, or that if we do have to do the infertility treatments that the funds will be there for it or that we’ll find a way to raise the funds that we need.  Pray for me, because I really need God’s help to keep holding strong and faithful on this journey.

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Relief

For the first time in months, maybe years even, I have felt totally at peace and content the last few days.  The miscarriage rocked my world much deeper than I wanted to admit, even to myself.  Now I feel at peace.

I’m not really sure what brought it on, perhaps it’s a series of things.  Our house is finally completely clean (except for my office, and that doesn’t bother me at all).  Our schedule is gradually starting to come back on track.  Nick is actually asking to start homeschool again.  I’ve found some fantastic marketing classes that I am very excited to take, and have figured out how to make them possible financially.  I am excited about the potential growth these classes can bring.

I’m seeing the great potential for getting pregnant in the near future.  I was discouraged that it might not happen, but now it seems so possible.

I’ve seen vast improvement in my health over the past year.

I have friends, friends who value me as much as I do them.

I feel like me.  My hormones are balancing out, my thyroid is balancing out (yes I know that’s technically hormonal also), and I’m gradually feeling more like me.  I feel like I have been in a state of withdrawl for years, sticking my tiptoes in the water every now and then, but not really ready to immerse myself in the outside world.  Now I’m ready to re-enter the world full force.   I feel good about who I am and the things I want to do.  I feel like they are all possible.  I feel happy, safe, content, and on top of the world.  I’m ready.

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Ever since the miscarriage I have been grumpy and sad.  I thought maybe it was the hormone fluxuations, but I realized today that I have totally been avoiding dealing with any of it, and it is causing problems for me.  I’ve been trying hard to focus on the fact that I ovulated, but the fact is, I’m sad, I’m angry, and I’m sick of dealing with all of this.  7 years of trying to get pregnant with this baby.  I feel like my entire married life has been spent trying to figure out how to get pregnant.  What the heck will I do with myself when all of that stress finally comes off?  10 years of trying to get pregnant.  3 miscarriages (or is it 4, I’ve lost track, which in and of itself makes me feel awful).  1 baby who is growing up way too fast on me.  This miscarriage was really a blow.  Now I’m sad that we lost the baby.  Scared that even if I do get pregnant, I may not be able to stay pregnant, frustrated and angry that were still on this roller coaster.  I want off.  I want my baby in my arms.  I want my son to have a sibling.  I want to go through a month without counting days and looking for signs.  I’m drowning in sorrow and trying not to admit to myself or anyone else that there’s more than a drop around.  I don’t know how to deal with these emotions.  They leave me feeling alone and isolated, and I don’t like that either.  I just want to be done with it all.

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Wednesday I had a miscarriage.  I didn’t even know I was pregnant, but I miscarried.  I still don’t know where I am on that fact emotionally, because I spent the last two days focused mostly on the physical (the miscarriage caused very, very bad bleeding on Wednesday, and a bit on Thursday).  I’m sad that we got so close and then lost the baby, relieved that we didn’t know I was pregnant before the miscarriage, and happy that I actually can get pregnant.   There of course are so many negatives to the situation, but there’s nothing I can do about those, and I am trying to focus primarily on the positives which  are:

1.  I ovulated, which means my system is now at the point it is capable of ovulation.

2.  We managed to conceive from that ovulation, so when I ovulate again, we probably have pretty close to normal chances of conception.

3.  We had a successful implantation, so we know it can get that far.

Now I’m just praying my heart out that we will be able to conceive again very soon, and this one will last!   I’m also hoping that I really am doing as okay as I think I am, and this doesn’t all come crashing in on me emotionally, but if it does, I’ll deal with it then.

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I saw this on another blog and it really touched me. It reminded me just how lucky we are to have had a chance to have a child, and also at the same time, I want another almost as badly as we wanted him. This song is perfect.

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Not Mad Anymore

I just needed to say, I’m not mad at God anymore.  Friday was a horrible day, but by Friday night we had developed a plan and I felt much better.  It’s so nice to be able to vent on here, where real live people might be able to see it 🙂

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Another month of having my heart ripped out.  Actually I almost wish it had been ripped out because then it wouldn’t hurt so very badly.  All because I allowed myself to hope, to dare to hope that this month we had a chance.  Another month, another negative test, and no period.  That means not only am I not pregnant, but I really didn’t ovulate.  To make matters worse, I dared to do the test today, hoping that if it was negative I would be able to keep my mind off of it because we’d have a busy morning.  What a huge mistake.  All I wanted to do all the way through 2 1/2 hrs at gymnastics was cry.  It is such a horrible feeling to be so sad around so many people and have none of them no how sad you are.  It made me feel even more alone and isolated than ever.  Not that I couldn’t have told someone, but I was so afraid of just sitting there and crying that I said nothing.  Then I came home and cried.  I tried to hide it from Nick, but he saw me, so now he is worried about his mommy.  I so don’t want this to affect him, but it already does.  For once in my life why can’t my body just do what it is supposed to do?   I feel betrayed, betrayed by my body, … betrayed by God.  Yes, I know this is a terrible thing to say, gasp, but it is what it is, not saying it will not make it true.  Why is it that God put such a deep desire in my heart for children and gave me a body that doesn’t work?  It’s just not fair!!

Emotionally, I don’t think I can handle much more of this, yet I’m also not willing to stop trying, to give up.  We could probably get pregnant if we could do a series of several infertility cycles, but the cost is so high, and we are working so hard to get out of debt.  Do we get in debt for the chance to get pregnant?  Do we not get more in debt and just keep hoping it’ll happen, even though the Dr. told me with Nick that the chances of us getting pregnant on our own are slim?   Can I live knowing we didn’t try more cycles? 

Every month is hard, it is heart wrenching to see the test.  I feel like a piece of me dies each time.  This month was even worse than usual though, because I really thought we had a good chance.

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