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Archive for the ‘Me’ Category

My heart is so overwhelmed with all of the blessings I’ve had lately that I just had to take a moment to share with you the incredible things that have been happening.

A couple of months ago, I found a wonderful marketing instructor names Sandi Krakowski .  I was excited because I could immediately see that she could teach me the keys I had been missing to get my business really prospering.  On top of that, she’s a Christian with beliefs quite similar to my own, AND she is a homeschooling momma!  I figured if anyone could understand how busy I feel and how to balance it all, it would be her.

Little did I know how much this woman was going to change my life.  In fact I probably still only have a peak at how much she’s going to affect it, but what has happened already is incredible.  I’ve been listening to her products for more than a month now, and they have not only increased my marketing ability (which I am still really working on), but she has given me the key I’ve been looking for the last few years.  She’s helped me to figure out what I need to be doing .

For a few years I’ve had an idea that I need to be doing something, helping someone, but I really had no idea what to do with that.  I’ve considered a number of options, but none of them really seemed right.  I’ve prayed, searched, tried to ignore it, tried to tell myself I was just being crazy and that there is no way I could ever fidn the time to do any of this in my crazy life.  I saw no way to make it happen in the real world.

Sandi frequently says that the pain of not doing what we are supposed to do often becomes greater than the pain of stepping out into it.  That is exactly what I’ve been dealing with for the last few years.  It has been downright emotionally painful.  I’ve tried to ignore it, but this feeling that I’m not using the gifts God gave me has been a constant and has about driven me bonkers.  It wasn’t for lack of wanting to, but for lack of vision about what to do.

Now I am filled with vision.  God has taken the spark he’s been putting in my spirit for the last few years, and has birthed a concept in my that I won’t let go of.  He has shown me how to make this work, where it can go, and how much I can help people.  He has given me visions and dreams, and set me on fire.  I’m a little frightened about how I will do this, but I’ve conquered bigger things and I know I can do it with His help.  I have visions of coaching people through their troubles, of public speaking (yipes!) to groups and helping them move past their issues.  I’m so fascinated to see what this will grow into and so grateful for the huge opportunity this feels like.

The website I’ve started www.adivinewalk.com is the first step towards that.  I see it becoming so much more than it is, but I will have the patience to take it one step at a time as God directs me.

Those of you who know me off of the internet may see a real change in me.  I feel so light, like a huge weight has been lifted from me.  I honestly feel like crying in relief for what this means.

I know this is the right path.  This path uses the gifts God has given  me, it makes me feel whole and complete.  I can hardly wait to move forward in it and see what He has planned beyond what He has shown me.

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A New Venture

I wrote in my last post that I was looking at possibly starting a new blog.  I’ve decided to take the plunge and launch the new site.  It’ll probably be a few days at least before it is up, but I’ll make an announcement here as soon as I get it going.  It has all started to come together for me and I feel very strongly that this is what I need to be doing right now.  I’m not sure where the time to run another site is going to come from, but I feel strongly that God wants me doing this, so I’m sure he’ll show me how to manage it all.

The new site is going to be taking my experiences and the things I have learned from the trials I’ve been through in my life, and teaching those lessons to others.  I hope to eventually add a business aspect into it, but for now it will probably be just informational.   I hope that I can really bless some other people and help them on their journey, just as so many people have helped me.

Honestly, I’m excited, but also quite frightened at the prospect of putting everything out there on the net.  I truly believe that God can heal people through what I have experienced, but I also know some people will disagree, and probably quite vehemently with what I say.  That’s okay, I don’t expect people to agree with everything.  I’m just a little nervous about whether I can do it or not.

It’s fascinating though, I can see where this idea has been brewing for a few years.  A couple of years back I started another blog that did not live long because the scope was much too narrow, but it was very  much a prepping ground of sorts for the new blog.

I plan to still keep this blog and will write on it as I have the urge, much like I do now.  I still have much growth to do myself, and I’m sure that much of that will end up here, just like it currently does, for better or worse.

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Consider a New Blog

I want to start a new blog, perhaps a new business even within that blog.  One that will help people on their journeys with God.  Uplift them, help them grow their faith, confidence, and draw closer to Him.  I have a vision for it, but I need a name, and I need to figure out how to make it work, time wise that is.  It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time, the vision is just now finally coming together.  Now I need a name, and the courage to step out and give it a shot.

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Sometimes I’m a chameleon, I can blend into a group and go almost unnoticed.  Sometimes, that’s a good thing.  Sometimes, I lose myself though too.

Since I’ve moved to Idaho, and actually, if I really reflect on it probably well before that, I have felt this sense of not fully knowing or understanding who I am.  I’ve always been rather introspective, but this is different, more of a lost feeling.  Perhaps it was working my entire life to become a teacher and then realizing that I was not happy doing that.  I’m sure that was part.  I’ve always had a tendency to mirror people, and the way I act around people tends to change depending on the group I am with.  I guess that is true of everyone, we all bring out different qualities in one another.

Anyways, the point of this post is not about feeling lost, but rather finding the core of who I am.

I’ve been searching on and off for that part of me for years.  This year it took on a different angle.  I started looking for my passions.  What am I passionate about?  Am I passionate about anything?  It’s taken the entire year, but I’ve finally realized what I’m passionate about.  I’ve actually known it all along, I just didn’t accept those as things people can be passionate about.  I do this to myself a lot.  My interests are eclectic, and the things I feel passionate about are unusual, but they are who I am, and what makes up me.

The interesting thing is that those of you reading this that know me well will probably not be surprised by these at all, because they are so core to me and who I am.   Of course it would be impossible to create an entire list of everything I’m passionate about, but some of the most important are:

– Helping people.  Anyway that I can, I love to help people.  Whether it’s a major project or a small cheer up, it makes my day.

– Teaching people about the power of forgiveness.  I keep this one under wraps a lot except with my very closest of friends, but it’s one I’d like to explore more of.

– Listening to people.  Whether it’s listening to people chatting with one another in the store, or listening intently to a friend with a problem who needs a loving ear.  I could listen to people all day long.

– Talking to people.  I love to talk, but I spent most of my childhood being teased about how much I talk, so I don’t say as much anymore.  I’m working at bringing this into a healthier place.

– Helping those who have survived abuses reclaim their lives and move forward.  I wish I got a chance to do this as much as I used to, I miss it, but it is very much at the core of me.

– Developing a real relationship with God, and helping other women learn to do the same, in their own ways.

– Understanding other people’s beliefs, why they are important, and what I can learn from them.

– Spending time with my family, and finding a way to do more of it and more peacefully.

– Loving people, helping them see how wonderful they really are.

Okay, that is just a few of them, but I think it covers the core.  So what do I do with these?  Most of them have been laying stagnant the last few years.  Now I need to find a way to make them a bigger part of my life, without driving myself crazy with more things to do.  Sandi Krakowski, the marketing genius says over and over that we should build businesses around our passions.  How on earth would I build a business around those?  Yes they tie together, but I can’t envision it.  Food for thought, perhaps in addition to this business I can start a business of helping some day.

I was just going to post this and I had another thought… my God given gifts tie in very closely with these skills to.  I know that I have a mission here, I just need to figure out what it is!

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Relief

For the first time in months, maybe years even, I have felt totally at peace and content the last few days.  The miscarriage rocked my world much deeper than I wanted to admit, even to myself.  Now I feel at peace.

I’m not really sure what brought it on, perhaps it’s a series of things.  Our house is finally completely clean (except for my office, and that doesn’t bother me at all).  Our schedule is gradually starting to come back on track.  Nick is actually asking to start homeschool again.  I’ve found some fantastic marketing classes that I am very excited to take, and have figured out how to make them possible financially.  I am excited about the potential growth these classes can bring.

I’m seeing the great potential for getting pregnant in the near future.  I was discouraged that it might not happen, but now it seems so possible.

I’ve seen vast improvement in my health over the past year.

I have friends, friends who value me as much as I do them.

I feel like me.  My hormones are balancing out, my thyroid is balancing out (yes I know that’s technically hormonal also), and I’m gradually feeling more like me.  I feel like I have been in a state of withdrawl for years, sticking my tiptoes in the water every now and then, but not really ready to immerse myself in the outside world.  Now I’m ready to re-enter the world full force.   I feel good about who I am and the things I want to do.  I feel like they are all possible.  I feel happy, safe, content, and on top of the world.  I’m ready.

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Why don’t we share our stories?  Some people do, and I’ve always admired the people who will openly share their stories with others.  So why don’t I share my story?   It’s not because I’m afraid of people knowing my story, in fact I love to tell people  about the incredible healing God did for me.  So why don’t I share it then?

Not sharing my story is not good for me, this I’ve come to realize.  In fact I really only just realized recently that I have completely stopped telling my story the last 10 years.  Once I healed, I stopped telling my story, but I don’t want to, I want people to know how incredible God is, what He has done for me, and what He wants to do for all of us if we’ll let him.  

So, why don’t I tell my story?  As a child I was told not to tell, to always keep up appearances of being the perfect family.  As a young adult, first telling my story, I was cautioned incessantly about boundaries (it’s not like I was running around telling the world or anything, but boundaries are expected to be an issue for the abused when they first start telling their story I guess).  I was cautioned that telling my story would make people uncomfortable, and maybe at that time, when I was in the midst of the pain, that might have been true.  I was told that people may intentionally or unintentionally say hurtful things (I’m sorry, but I have enough sense to not tell people who would intentionally say hurtful things, and I am a very forgiving person, I can deal with the unintentional by accepting the feeling behind a statement not the spoken meaning).  Others told me that if I told people I had been abused, that they would assume I would become an abuser… this was horrific to me, although in hind site, if you honestly think that you need to understand that that is not the case at all.  Still, these things made me very cautious to say anything.

I’ve been in this world for more than 37 years now.  It has been 20 years since I first told my story.  It has been 15 years since I allowed God to heal me, as he had been trying to do for so long.  In all of those years, I have never once received a response like those above.  In fact just the opposite.  Likewise, those who I have seen share their own stories of hurt, pain, and healing, have generally been accepted and their honesty and openness appreciated and valued. 

There is no reason to hide.

I will not hide my story any longer.  I will share it with those who it might help.  I will speak it openly and show others that God really does heal, and that he wants to heal everyone, if we will just let Him.  I will share my story, and not be silent any longer… for any reason.  I will let God show others, through me, how completely and totally He can heal us.

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It seems as though I have spent all of my adult life, perhaps even all of my life searching to figure out who I really am, who is this person?  At different times, the way I have defined myself has changed, largely due to changes in life stages.  College student, nanny, teacher, wife, mother, these things naturally affect how we define ourselves.  Yet over the last several years, this search has taken a new turn, a search for a more concerete definition based around who I am at my core, my true spiritual self as I would call it.  Not that I have ignored this part in the past, anyone who has known me well knows the I am an intensely spiritual person and always have been, but rather that I have been striving as never before to learn who I truly, truly am. 

Perhaps this is a life stage, it seems like most of the people I know who are close in age to me are going through similar quests, but regardless of why, I really want to understand who I am, because I feel like if I can understand who I am, then I can accomplish.  I can see out my life’s mission without having to hope to stumble across it, and I can live my life as my authentic me.  I can’t say that I have fully figured out who I am, but I am making valuable headway, in part by learning who I am, and in part by defining who I am not.  This quest is in no way over, but here are a few important things that you should know about me:

Temperment:

I have often defined myself as shy and an introvert, but this is not really true at all.  When I take a personality test, I almost always come up right in the middle between introvert and extrovert, and that is where I belong.   The reason I come across as shy is because I DETEST small talk.  I’m awful at it, I don’t care about the weather unless there is something really interesting going on with it.  If I ask you how you are it’s because I really want to  know how you are, not because I am looking for a pat answer.  I love time by myself, I like time to think and reflect.  I like to be able to think topics over before I need to discuss them.  I am very introspective and like time to examine who I am.  I also very much enjoy time talking with other people.  I like to be introspective about a topic and then discuss that with others that I feel like I can be open with.  Like an introvert, I gain energy by being alone.  Like an extrovert, I gain energy by being with others.  The energy I gain is different from the two, and I need both in my life to feel balanced.   That said, I do tend slightly more towards the introverted side in that I hate making phone calls to people I don’t know (and people I do if I’m honest about it), and I’d rather be curled up in a room with a good book or a journal than stuck making small talk.

What this means for me:
–  I need to stop saying that I am shy, or living as “shy”
– When working in groups, it is good for me to have someone who is good at small talk with me or who knows the people present.   I need to learn to make small talk even though I hate it to allow people to get to know me well enough to feel comfortable going past small talk.
– I need to learn how to transition from small talk to more meaningful topics quickly and in a way that will make people feel at ease.
– I need to seek out people with whom I can have deep meaningful discussions

Emotions:

I do not easily show emotion.  I appreciate people who do, but I find it difficult to truly show what I feel.  I would like to learn to show my emotions while also retaining the ability to remain calm when needed.  I enjoy intense people, almost everyone who I am drawn to is emotionally intense. 

I am very intuitive about other people’s emotions.  I feel what other people feel.  It has taken me years to get under control, but I am now fairly easily able to distinguish between the emotions of others and my own emotions.   This allows me to be an excellent counselor and also helps me better understand friends.  I need to not allow myself to feel to intimidated to respond to people when I realize they are upset or in distress.

Beliefs:

I am fascinated with anything having to do with beliefs and spirituality.  I love to learn about religions, what people believe, and what they hold most dear.  I find everything about religion fascinating, but I do not consider myself a “religious” person.  This is not to say I do not consider myself a spiritual person, because God is the focus of my life and my spirituality is the center and core of who I am.  I do not consider myself religious however because I do not fit neatly into one religion.  I do not go to church, not because I would not like to, but because I have not found a church where I fit.  I have found many churches where I fit for a time, but in the end God has called me away from all and I always sooner or later end up frustrated with the closedness of them.  I am very openminded to religions because I do not believe we are all called to one path here, and I do not believe there is one true religion.  It would certainly be much easier if there were, and I am well aware of the fact that pretty much every religion believes they are more right than any other religion (and this is just logical anyways, if you believed someone else was more right than you, then certainly you’d change religions).  This belief has given me a very unique outlook on spirituality and allowed me to be very openminded, and I am very thankful to the Lord for allowing me to be so.  At the same time, because of this, I often feel isolated from others and frequenly feel like I have to watch every word I say regarding God because it feels like nearly anything I might say would be offensive to someone.

My beliefs are  my own.   They are things revealed to me directly by the Spirit, and things that have been revealed to me by others but testified to me by the Spirit to be true.  I have not met anyone whose beliefs align entirely with mine, and at the same time have read of many people whose believes are similar. 

I am at my very core a spiritual person.  We all are, but what I mean by that is that everything in me revolves around my spirituality.  Although spirituality is a very deep, complex thing, I like to think of it as made up by several basic components:
– striving to figure out our real self, the person we are in our spirit, the person we were created to be.
– striving to grow closer to God and build an honest, true, intense relationship with Him
– striving to achieve a life that accomplishes our purpose for being here and that fulfills those things He asks us to do.

I love to talk about spirituality, and almost never do.  I have such a fear of offending people, that I rarely allow them to see into this part of me.  This is something I want to change.  I want to learn how to communicate my spirituality in a manner that is honest, true, non-judgemental, and non-threatening.  A way that invites people not to be offended (whether they choose to in the end is of course their choice, I am fully aware that some people will be offended no matter what you do).  I want to be a person who allows God to be seen through me and who acts as God’s hands on Earth.  I want to be able to approach people, see them the way God sees them, love them the way God loves them, and allow them to feel God through me.  I have hidden God for too long.

I could go on and on about what I personally believe, in fact I have written dozens of pages in my Commonplace book, and dozens of posts on here about my beliefs, and have barely even scratched the surface.  The most important part of all, the core of my belief system is true relationship with God.  Forming a relationship with God that goes beyond rituals, must do’s, should do’s etc, and instead is an authentic true relationship.

I am needed by my sweet 6 year old to be mommy now…. I will continue this post later.

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