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Archive for the ‘Personal Growth’ Category

My heart is so overwhelmed with all of the blessings I’ve had lately that I just had to take a moment to share with you the incredible things that have been happening.

A couple of months ago, I found a wonderful marketing instructor names Sandi Krakowski .  I was excited because I could immediately see that she could teach me the keys I had been missing to get my business really prospering.  On top of that, she’s a Christian with beliefs quite similar to my own, AND she is a homeschooling momma!  I figured if anyone could understand how busy I feel and how to balance it all, it would be her.

Little did I know how much this woman was going to change my life.  In fact I probably still only have a peak at how much she’s going to affect it, but what has happened already is incredible.  I’ve been listening to her products for more than a month now, and they have not only increased my marketing ability (which I am still really working on), but she has given me the key I’ve been looking for the last few years.  She’s helped me to figure out what I need to be doing .

For a few years I’ve had an idea that I need to be doing something, helping someone, but I really had no idea what to do with that.  I’ve considered a number of options, but none of them really seemed right.  I’ve prayed, searched, tried to ignore it, tried to tell myself I was just being crazy and that there is no way I could ever fidn the time to do any of this in my crazy life.  I saw no way to make it happen in the real world.

Sandi frequently says that the pain of not doing what we are supposed to do often becomes greater than the pain of stepping out into it.  That is exactly what I’ve been dealing with for the last few years.  It has been downright emotionally painful.  I’ve tried to ignore it, but this feeling that I’m not using the gifts God gave me has been a constant and has about driven me bonkers.  It wasn’t for lack of wanting to, but for lack of vision about what to do.

Now I am filled with vision.  God has taken the spark he’s been putting in my spirit for the last few years, and has birthed a concept in my that I won’t let go of.  He has shown me how to make this work, where it can go, and how much I can help people.  He has given me visions and dreams, and set me on fire.  I’m a little frightened about how I will do this, but I’ve conquered bigger things and I know I can do it with His help.  I have visions of coaching people through their troubles, of public speaking (yipes!) to groups and helping them move past their issues.  I’m so fascinated to see what this will grow into and so grateful for the huge opportunity this feels like.

The website I’ve started www.adivinewalk.com is the first step towards that.  I see it becoming so much more than it is, but I will have the patience to take it one step at a time as God directs me.

Those of you who know me off of the internet may see a real change in me.  I feel so light, like a huge weight has been lifted from me.  I honestly feel like crying in relief for what this means.

I know this is the right path.  This path uses the gifts God has given  me, it makes me feel whole and complete.  I can hardly wait to move forward in it and see what He has planned beyond what He has shown me.

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A New Venture

I wrote in my last post that I was looking at possibly starting a new blog.  I’ve decided to take the plunge and launch the new site.  It’ll probably be a few days at least before it is up, but I’ll make an announcement here as soon as I get it going.  It has all started to come together for me and I feel very strongly that this is what I need to be doing right now.  I’m not sure where the time to run another site is going to come from, but I feel strongly that God wants me doing this, so I’m sure he’ll show me how to manage it all.

The new site is going to be taking my experiences and the things I have learned from the trials I’ve been through in my life, and teaching those lessons to others.  I hope to eventually add a business aspect into it, but for now it will probably be just informational.   I hope that I can really bless some other people and help them on their journey, just as so many people have helped me.

Honestly, I’m excited, but also quite frightened at the prospect of putting everything out there on the net.  I truly believe that God can heal people through what I have experienced, but I also know some people will disagree, and probably quite vehemently with what I say.  That’s okay, I don’t expect people to agree with everything.  I’m just a little nervous about whether I can do it or not.

It’s fascinating though, I can see where this idea has been brewing for a few years.  A couple of years back I started another blog that did not live long because the scope was much too narrow, but it was very  much a prepping ground of sorts for the new blog.

I plan to still keep this blog and will write on it as I have the urge, much like I do now.  I still have much growth to do myself, and I’m sure that much of that will end up here, just like it currently does, for better or worse.

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Sometimes I’m a chameleon, I can blend into a group and go almost unnoticed.  Sometimes, that’s a good thing.  Sometimes, I lose myself though too.

Since I’ve moved to Idaho, and actually, if I really reflect on it probably well before that, I have felt this sense of not fully knowing or understanding who I am.  I’ve always been rather introspective, but this is different, more of a lost feeling.  Perhaps it was working my entire life to become a teacher and then realizing that I was not happy doing that.  I’m sure that was part.  I’ve always had a tendency to mirror people, and the way I act around people tends to change depending on the group I am with.  I guess that is true of everyone, we all bring out different qualities in one another.

Anyways, the point of this post is not about feeling lost, but rather finding the core of who I am.

I’ve been searching on and off for that part of me for years.  This year it took on a different angle.  I started looking for my passions.  What am I passionate about?  Am I passionate about anything?  It’s taken the entire year, but I’ve finally realized what I’m passionate about.  I’ve actually known it all along, I just didn’t accept those as things people can be passionate about.  I do this to myself a lot.  My interests are eclectic, and the things I feel passionate about are unusual, but they are who I am, and what makes up me.

The interesting thing is that those of you reading this that know me well will probably not be surprised by these at all, because they are so core to me and who I am.   Of course it would be impossible to create an entire list of everything I’m passionate about, but some of the most important are:

– Helping people.  Anyway that I can, I love to help people.  Whether it’s a major project or a small cheer up, it makes my day.

– Teaching people about the power of forgiveness.  I keep this one under wraps a lot except with my very closest of friends, but it’s one I’d like to explore more of.

– Listening to people.  Whether it’s listening to people chatting with one another in the store, or listening intently to a friend with a problem who needs a loving ear.  I could listen to people all day long.

– Talking to people.  I love to talk, but I spent most of my childhood being teased about how much I talk, so I don’t say as much anymore.  I’m working at bringing this into a healthier place.

– Helping those who have survived abuses reclaim their lives and move forward.  I wish I got a chance to do this as much as I used to, I miss it, but it is very much at the core of me.

– Developing a real relationship with God, and helping other women learn to do the same, in their own ways.

– Understanding other people’s beliefs, why they are important, and what I can learn from them.

– Spending time with my family, and finding a way to do more of it and more peacefully.

– Loving people, helping them see how wonderful they really are.

Okay, that is just a few of them, but I think it covers the core.  So what do I do with these?  Most of them have been laying stagnant the last few years.  Now I need to find a way to make them a bigger part of my life, without driving myself crazy with more things to do.  Sandi Krakowski, the marketing genius says over and over that we should build businesses around our passions.  How on earth would I build a business around those?  Yes they tie together, but I can’t envision it.  Food for thought, perhaps in addition to this business I can start a business of helping some day.

I was just going to post this and I had another thought… my God given gifts tie in very closely with these skills to.  I know that I have a mission here, I just need to figure out what it is!

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Relief

For the first time in months, maybe years even, I have felt totally at peace and content the last few days.  The miscarriage rocked my world much deeper than I wanted to admit, even to myself.  Now I feel at peace.

I’m not really sure what brought it on, perhaps it’s a series of things.  Our house is finally completely clean (except for my office, and that doesn’t bother me at all).  Our schedule is gradually starting to come back on track.  Nick is actually asking to start homeschool again.  I’ve found some fantastic marketing classes that I am very excited to take, and have figured out how to make them possible financially.  I am excited about the potential growth these classes can bring.

I’m seeing the great potential for getting pregnant in the near future.  I was discouraged that it might not happen, but now it seems so possible.

I’ve seen vast improvement in my health over the past year.

I have friends, friends who value me as much as I do them.

I feel like me.  My hormones are balancing out, my thyroid is balancing out (yes I know that’s technically hormonal also), and I’m gradually feeling more like me.  I feel like I have been in a state of withdrawl for years, sticking my tiptoes in the water every now and then, but not really ready to immerse myself in the outside world.  Now I’m ready to re-enter the world full force.   I feel good about who I am and the things I want to do.  I feel like they are all possible.  I feel happy, safe, content, and on top of the world.  I’m ready.

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Actually, it’s not a quote, it’s a verse, but it seems to be popping up everywhere.  I love this, and I want it hanging on my wall, I just have to figure out how I’d make that work.  This is what I need to learn more than anything else right now I think:

I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. Phil 4:11

If I could learn to be content regardless of the state of my life at that time, that would be such a peaceful thing.

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If you’ve read my blog much, you’ve probably  noticed that I tend to post a fair bit on one topic and then move to another, it’s not unusual to see a string of posts on a single topic, and then not see anything else about it for quite a while.  Lately the topics have been on abuse issues.    I just want to reassure anyone who knows me that is reading that I am ok.  I’ve not started dealing with any new issues or anything like that.  In fact just the opposite.   I have gone through many phases of healing over the past 20 years.  The last 6-10 years I have been in a quiet phase.  I think about things, but the agony I once felt is not there, the pain is a thing of the past, most of the thoughts now have been geared towards becoming the type of parent I want to be (which I often fall short on, in part because I hold such a high bar for myself, but more on that another post). 

While I have been in this quiet phase, I have largely stopped sharing my story.  I’ve not been in denial, or trying to hide it at all, I just needed a time to be away from it.  The abuse stopped a long time ago, but soon afterwards I started dealing with it, and that was a long, arduous, often all-consuming process.  Once that phase was done, it was time for a break. 

Now, I’ve had my break and I want people to know my story, but not because I feel the need to tell my story for the sake of telling it (that was an important phase in early healing), but because now I want people to know two things, 1 that God heals emotionally and how incredible He is at it, and 2 that it really does get better, so much better.  This is a  phase I am welcoming and embracing right now.

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I feel drawn, compelled even to find a way to reach out to abuse survivors.  It’s something I have often wanted to do, but as of late it has grown stronger and stronger.  I remember a time when I felt like I could barely go on, and would have been so grateful to speak to someone who had been there, moved through that, and developed a “normal” life.  I want to be that for women who are in that place now.  I want to show them that healing is possible, that you can come through it, that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and that with God’s help we can all heal.  I want to share my experiences so that others, not just abuse survivors, but anyone can understand that God is with is even in the darkest of times in our life, and He wants to help us grow, heal, and become who we are meant to be.

The only problem is that I have no idea how to start or where to start.  I know my story can help others heal.  I love to share my story, because I think it helps others better understand God.  I just need the place to start it all.

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