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Archive for the ‘Random Thoughts’ Category

Fall

It’s now officially fall, at least in my book, the local kids are back in school, and the weather is cooling.  I’m so ready for fall this year.  Ready to be past the heat and the ups and downs that this summer brought.  Ready to enjoy the beautiful colors that fall brings, and already loving the beautiful fall weather.  I’m looking forward to getting back to our regular routine after a month off and our very nice vacation.  Our schedule is quickly filling back into the normal school year schedule, and this year I very much welcome that.  We’ve started Explorer’s Club this week, and gymnastics, we’ll start homeschool next week.  Ahhh, the peace of routine 🙂

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I’ve been thinking about inspiration the last few days.  I go through periods on a regular basis where I feel alive and inspired, and ready  to run out and change things, often set off by reading something wonderful or some other divine inspiration.  Other times reality presses down, and I am surrounded by all of the things that must be done or frustrated by life not going the way I feel it should be.  I’ve definitely been in the frustrated mode lately, but the inspiration hasn’t left during that time.  I still feel inspired to start acting, which really makes me think it’s time to start moving with some of these ideas, but how?  That’s the problem, and I think that is largely responsible for much of the frustration I feel. 

I feel inspired to create something, to create a place for women to share their lives, to grow from one another’s stories, experiences, and inspirations.  To support one another in their current endeavors, whether it be as a sounding board, prayer support, or through supportive actions.  I KNOW there is a real need for this too, and I have a real vision of how it could unfold.  I just can’t seem to figure out how to get it started.  I’m not the kind of person who has dozens of friends to call to help spread the word, or move something like this forward.   These thoughts take me back to my college years, because it was so easy to start things then, and I wonder if there isn’t knowledge to be gleaned from those experiences… I’m sure there’s some wisdom sitting right in front of me, but I just can’t seem to find it.  

How do I take this pool of inspiration and build it into what it is supposed to be?  How do I make it come alive?  Where do I even start?

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I once read that the average person falls asleep approximately 6 minutes after they start trying to sleep.  I thought they had to be full of it, there is no way on earth that a person could fall asleep that fast.  Then I had a roommate, and we shared a room.  She could fall asleep in about 4.  Then I met Erik, who can fall asleep in 30 seconds, I swear he can!  Then there is me.  If I fall asleep in less than an hour, I consider myself doing fabulous.  At one time in my life, it used to take me 5-6 hrs to go to sleep, but that was a very unhealthy time… the lack of sleep didn’t help either though.  As a child I remember laying in bed forever staring at the ceiling or the wallpaper (the wallpaper in one of my rooms is etched into my memory from staring at it so much).   Now, I can usually fall asleep in 1/2 hr to an hour, as long as i’m tired enough.  I’ve had to work hard to get there too.  I try not to do anything in my room besides sleep, and read occasionally (reading helps me get to sleep), and that has helped.

How do normal people fall asleep so quickly??

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If you’ve read my blog much, you’ve probably  noticed that I tend to post a fair bit on one topic and then move to another, it’s not unusual to see a string of posts on a single topic, and then not see anything else about it for quite a while.  Lately the topics have been on abuse issues.    I just want to reassure anyone who knows me that is reading that I am ok.  I’ve not started dealing with any new issues or anything like that.  In fact just the opposite.   I have gone through many phases of healing over the past 20 years.  The last 6-10 years I have been in a quiet phase.  I think about things, but the agony I once felt is not there, the pain is a thing of the past, most of the thoughts now have been geared towards becoming the type of parent I want to be (which I often fall short on, in part because I hold such a high bar for myself, but more on that another post). 

While I have been in this quiet phase, I have largely stopped sharing my story.  I’ve not been in denial, or trying to hide it at all, I just needed a time to be away from it.  The abuse stopped a long time ago, but soon afterwards I started dealing with it, and that was a long, arduous, often all-consuming process.  Once that phase was done, it was time for a break. 

Now, I’ve had my break and I want people to know my story, but not because I feel the need to tell my story for the sake of telling it (that was an important phase in early healing), but because now I want people to know two things, 1 that God heals emotionally and how incredible He is at it, and 2 that it really does get better, so much better.  This is a  phase I am welcoming and embracing right now.

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I was reading a bit of this blog earlier.  The person had left a comment on my blog, so I went to check out hers and I’m so glad I did.  It is a fabulous blog, at times uplifting, at times full of pain, but wonderful.  Anyways, she wrote this, and it ties in so well with what I was trying to say earlier that I wanted to tell you about it.

The other thing I want to touch on is how lonely this all is.  If I had a physical challenge like cancer, for example, people would rally around me with support.  I would have all kinds of offers for people to bring in meals, watch my kids, clean my house.  Lot’s of phone calls…etc.   I know because I have been the recipient of all that goodness in the past when I was ill.  My current difficulty is harder for people to understand.  In the beginning I tried to explain it to people, but quickly learned not to do that (except here on the blog) because it makes people uncomfortable.  If you tell people more than they are ready to hear and they will start avoiding you, or look at you like they feel sorry for you, but don’t know what to say.  I don’t know which is worse.  I don’t want meals brought in.  I don’t need help with the kids or the house.  What I really want is to feel understood…to not feel alone. 

This is what I want to change.  I want to help rally around people… I want to help people learn how to rally around someone who emotionally needs their support.  We are so much better about helping people physically than emotionally.  I truly believe that it is not that people do not want to, but that they do not know how.  So how do we start educating them?

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Moving Forward

I’ve been continuing to ponder this urge to really reach out and do something for survivors who are early in their recovery journey.   I have been questioning why this has suddenly come up.  The thought that I would like to do something has come up before, but never quite like this.  So why now?  Where is the all coming from?

What I am realizing though is that for many years I was immersed in the pain, unable to help anyone because I was fighting so hard to keep my head above water (and sometimes downright failing).  When that came to an end, when I finally healed enough that I didn’t feel the pain dragging me under, in fact all of it reached normal memory proportions, rather than nightmare, reliving, etc… I was so relieved to be able to live like a “normal” person, that I have been revelling in it for years!  I have no shame or guilt in this, it has been wonderful.  That isn’t to say there haven’t been the occasional struggles or angst because of the memories, but it has been so far from consuming. 

Now I am ready for the next step.  I am ready to move past “normalcy” into helping others.  I feel strong, capable,  joyful, and empowered.  I want other women to see that moving through it is necessary, it is helpful (albeit painful), and it does have an end, it isn’t a forever thing.  I know that I could blog or such, but I really feel like that is an area that is well covered.  I think women need someone they can talk to, who can listen, who knows what it is like.  I think friends of survivors need someone who can help them understand  what their friends are going through, and how they can help.  I think churches need to know how to handle these situations properly, without causing harm, and the spiritual struggles that survivors go through. 

How do I fit into this though, I just don’t know.  I don’t, quite frankly, even know where to start.

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Lately I can feel God more than ever directing my path, pointing me to where I need to go, showing me the book I need to read, the person to talk to, the friend to do a little something for, giving me wisdom, strength, and love.  I’m so thankful for Him, he heals my heart and body more each day, sometimes the speed of it all is almost overwhelming, if I stop to think of it too long, yet I know it is just right, and just what I need.

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