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Posts Tagged ‘Confidence’

My heart is so overwhelmed with all of the blessings I’ve had lately that I just had to take a moment to share with you the incredible things that have been happening.

A couple of months ago, I found a wonderful marketing instructor names Sandi Krakowski .  I was excited because I could immediately see that she could teach me the keys I had been missing to get my business really prospering.  On top of that, she’s a Christian with beliefs quite similar to my own, AND she is a homeschooling momma!  I figured if anyone could understand how busy I feel and how to balance it all, it would be her.

Little did I know how much this woman was going to change my life.  In fact I probably still only have a peak at how much she’s going to affect it, but what has happened already is incredible.  I’ve been listening to her products for more than a month now, and they have not only increased my marketing ability (which I am still really working on), but she has given me the key I’ve been looking for the last few years.  She’s helped me to figure out what I need to be doing .

For a few years I’ve had an idea that I need to be doing something, helping someone, but I really had no idea what to do with that.  I’ve considered a number of options, but none of them really seemed right.  I’ve prayed, searched, tried to ignore it, tried to tell myself I was just being crazy and that there is no way I could ever fidn the time to do any of this in my crazy life.  I saw no way to make it happen in the real world.

Sandi frequently says that the pain of not doing what we are supposed to do often becomes greater than the pain of stepping out into it.  That is exactly what I’ve been dealing with for the last few years.  It has been downright emotionally painful.  I’ve tried to ignore it, but this feeling that I’m not using the gifts God gave me has been a constant and has about driven me bonkers.  It wasn’t for lack of wanting to, but for lack of vision about what to do.

Now I am filled with vision.  God has taken the spark he’s been putting in my spirit for the last few years, and has birthed a concept in my that I won’t let go of.  He has shown me how to make this work, where it can go, and how much I can help people.  He has given me visions and dreams, and set me on fire.  I’m a little frightened about how I will do this, but I’ve conquered bigger things and I know I can do it with His help.  I have visions of coaching people through their troubles, of public speaking (yipes!) to groups and helping them move past their issues.  I’m so fascinated to see what this will grow into and so grateful for the huge opportunity this feels like.

The website I’ve started www.adivinewalk.com is the first step towards that.  I see it becoming so much more than it is, but I will have the patience to take it one step at a time as God directs me.

Those of you who know me off of the internet may see a real change in me.  I feel so light, like a huge weight has been lifted from me.  I honestly feel like crying in relief for what this means.

I know this is the right path.  This path uses the gifts God has given  me, it makes me feel whole and complete.  I can hardly wait to move forward in it and see what He has planned beyond what He has shown me.

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Sometimes I’m a chameleon, I can blend into a group and go almost unnoticed.  Sometimes, that’s a good thing.  Sometimes, I lose myself though too.

Since I’ve moved to Idaho, and actually, if I really reflect on it probably well before that, I have felt this sense of not fully knowing or understanding who I am.  I’ve always been rather introspective, but this is different, more of a lost feeling.  Perhaps it was working my entire life to become a teacher and then realizing that I was not happy doing that.  I’m sure that was part.  I’ve always had a tendency to mirror people, and the way I act around people tends to change depending on the group I am with.  I guess that is true of everyone, we all bring out different qualities in one another.

Anyways, the point of this post is not about feeling lost, but rather finding the core of who I am.

I’ve been searching on and off for that part of me for years.  This year it took on a different angle.  I started looking for my passions.  What am I passionate about?  Am I passionate about anything?  It’s taken the entire year, but I’ve finally realized what I’m passionate about.  I’ve actually known it all along, I just didn’t accept those as things people can be passionate about.  I do this to myself a lot.  My interests are eclectic, and the things I feel passionate about are unusual, but they are who I am, and what makes up me.

The interesting thing is that those of you reading this that know me well will probably not be surprised by these at all, because they are so core to me and who I am.   Of course it would be impossible to create an entire list of everything I’m passionate about, but some of the most important are:

– Helping people.  Anyway that I can, I love to help people.  Whether it’s a major project or a small cheer up, it makes my day.

– Teaching people about the power of forgiveness.  I keep this one under wraps a lot except with my very closest of friends, but it’s one I’d like to explore more of.

– Listening to people.  Whether it’s listening to people chatting with one another in the store, or listening intently to a friend with a problem who needs a loving ear.  I could listen to people all day long.

– Talking to people.  I love to talk, but I spent most of my childhood being teased about how much I talk, so I don’t say as much anymore.  I’m working at bringing this into a healthier place.

– Helping those who have survived abuses reclaim their lives and move forward.  I wish I got a chance to do this as much as I used to, I miss it, but it is very much at the core of me.

– Developing a real relationship with God, and helping other women learn to do the same, in their own ways.

– Understanding other people’s beliefs, why they are important, and what I can learn from them.

– Spending time with my family, and finding a way to do more of it and more peacefully.

– Loving people, helping them see how wonderful they really are.

Okay, that is just a few of them, but I think it covers the core.  So what do I do with these?  Most of them have been laying stagnant the last few years.  Now I need to find a way to make them a bigger part of my life, without driving myself crazy with more things to do.  Sandi Krakowski, the marketing genius says over and over that we should build businesses around our passions.  How on earth would I build a business around those?  Yes they tie together, but I can’t envision it.  Food for thought, perhaps in addition to this business I can start a business of helping some day.

I was just going to post this and I had another thought… my God given gifts tie in very closely with these skills to.  I know that I have a mission here, I just need to figure out what it is!

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Why don’t we share our stories?  Some people do, and I’ve always admired the people who will openly share their stories with others.  So why don’t I share my story?   It’s not because I’m afraid of people knowing my story, in fact I love to tell people  about the incredible healing God did for me.  So why don’t I share it then?

Not sharing my story is not good for me, this I’ve come to realize.  In fact I really only just realized recently that I have completely stopped telling my story the last 10 years.  Once I healed, I stopped telling my story, but I don’t want to, I want people to know how incredible God is, what He has done for me, and what He wants to do for all of us if we’ll let him.  

So, why don’t I tell my story?  As a child I was told not to tell, to always keep up appearances of being the perfect family.  As a young adult, first telling my story, I was cautioned incessantly about boundaries (it’s not like I was running around telling the world or anything, but boundaries are expected to be an issue for the abused when they first start telling their story I guess).  I was cautioned that telling my story would make people uncomfortable, and maybe at that time, when I was in the midst of the pain, that might have been true.  I was told that people may intentionally or unintentionally say hurtful things (I’m sorry, but I have enough sense to not tell people who would intentionally say hurtful things, and I am a very forgiving person, I can deal with the unintentional by accepting the feeling behind a statement not the spoken meaning).  Others told me that if I told people I had been abused, that they would assume I would become an abuser… this was horrific to me, although in hind site, if you honestly think that you need to understand that that is not the case at all.  Still, these things made me very cautious to say anything.

I’ve been in this world for more than 37 years now.  It has been 20 years since I first told my story.  It has been 15 years since I allowed God to heal me, as he had been trying to do for so long.  In all of those years, I have never once received a response like those above.  In fact just the opposite.  Likewise, those who I have seen share their own stories of hurt, pain, and healing, have generally been accepted and their honesty and openness appreciated and valued. 

There is no reason to hide.

I will not hide my story any longer.  I will share it with those who it might help.  I will speak it openly and show others that God really does heal, and that he wants to heal everyone, if we will just let Him.  I will share my story, and not be silent any longer… for any reason.  I will let God show others, through me, how completely and totally He can heal us.

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Today I had one of those monumental moments when something I have been struggling with really just clicks and I understand it not just in my mind but in my heart.

The last week I have been reading a book about being confident… something I always struggle with. The book has been wonderful, and she said something in it that really struck with me a few days ago, and I’ve just been thinking and thinking about it. I know it’s true, but it wasn’t until this morning that it really settled in me.

I don’t need to be confident in myself. Sounds crazy, huh? It isn’t though, because I can’t do anything without God, and I can do all things through God. So the confidence that I need to have is not in myself but in God. I need to be confident in God and trust in Him to guide me and show me what to do and how to do it. God will take care of it, I just need to make myself available to Him and listen to Him. As long as I do my best, He’ll do the rest.

What a relief!

I can totally do that, I have complete confidence that God is both able and willing to take care of it all. I’ve lacked the conifidence in my ability to do some things, but I do not need to have confidence in me, if I have confidence in Him, I just need to follow Him and I can be confident knowing that I am covered. Whew!

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I had a lot of epiphany moments today, some of them were things that I knew before, but just cemented in my head a little more today, others were fairly new ideas.

1. I remember being told as a child that the actions of a child directly reflect on their parents, that people judge parents by their children. This makes me totally paranoid about how Nick acts. I worry too much about what other people think, and I realized that I am letting it affect how I parent my child, especially when I parent in public.

I am probably not explaining this well, but here is my epiphany, as I wrote it when I pulled over on the side of the street on my way home from class 🙂 :

I am not responsible for who my son is, or who he becomes. God made him who he is, he will decide who he becomes. My job is to teach / give him the foundation, experiences, knowledge, beliefs, and morals that will help him to become the best person he can be and that will help him to learn to make the choices that will take him down the right path, the path God would choose for him.

2. I am the best parent for my son. God sent him to me because he is who I need and I am who he needs. As long as I do my best for him, it will be enough, because if it wouldn’t be enough he wouldn’t have come to me. I am perfectly capable of giving him everything he needs from his mother. Erik is perfectly capable of giving him everything he needs from a father. We just need to do out best for him, and he will get from us what he needs.

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