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Posts Tagged ‘PCOS’

The past few weeks have been a real struggle for me.  My husband and I have been dealing with infertility issues caused by my PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), for almost as long as we’ve been married (we just celebrated our 10th anniversary last July).

In 2003 I was diagnosed with PCOS, although it was obvious that I didn’t develop it in 2003, I’d had it for many years.  We had been trying to conceive for quite a while, and by the end of 2002 had started to realize there was probably going to be an issue.  Fortunately, I had really good insurance, insurance that actually covered some infertility treatments.  I was able to see an infertility doctor, and with his help, we conceived our son in October of 2003, using a combination of Ovarian stimulation (using drugs to get the ovaries to produce an egg), and IUI (intra-utertine insemination).  It was a hard journey getting to that point, and I was pretty close to falling apart by the time we found out that I was pregnant.  It was a difficult pregnancy, but in the end, our beautiful boy was born.

We decided we did not want our children too close together, and that we would wait until Nick was 3 before we really started actively pursing getting pregnant again.  However I have to admit that we did keep a bit of an eye on my cycles, and do what we could hoping for a natural “surprise” pregnancy.  It didn’t happen.  Then we decided to move to Idaho, and we didn’t want me to be pregnant, so we decided to wait until after the move.  We didn’t really think this through as well as we should have though, because there were 2 problems with that.  First off, my fabulous insurance was expiring around the time we moved, and it is impossible to get infertility coverage when you are self-employed unless you own a big business.  Second, there are no infertility doctors in our area.

We tried and tried.  I’ve spoken with doctors, they put me on Metformin, which is a drug to help regulate insulin resistance.  It makes me sick, VERY sick.  They tell you it will make you sick for a little while, but then your body will adjust.  Mine never did.  So after months of agonizing yuckiness, I finally gave up on that.

I truly feel that God has another baby for us.  I feel that with every fiber of my body, and I’m not willing to give that up.  Nor am I willing to force my son into a life as an only child.

We’ve considered adoption, and aren’t opposed to it, but I’ve never felt like it’s the way God is directing me to go.

So for years, the biggest thing standing between us and a baby has been money.  We need money for infertility treatments, and money to travel back and forth the 4 hrs that we need to go to get to the closest infertility doctor.

In 2010 we tried at Christmas time, but I ovulated on my own before the IUI, and we didn’t get pregnant (even with a perfect cycle the chances are only about 1 in 3 that we’ll get pregnant.

After the failed try, I decided to start looking into some natural treatments.  I found Dr. Mellor in Rexburg, and he felt that he could probably help us.  He has been working with me to get my health back in order.  I’ve been able to get my thyroid working properly, have gotten my blood sugar under control, lost a bit of weight (not nearly enough, but some), and I’m much healthier than I was before I started seeing him.  We even managed to get pregnant in June, but I miscarried before we even knew I was pregnant (not knowing was a blessing).  That sent me for a tailspin, but I tried to get back on track.

Now it’s been a year since I started working heavily with Dr. Mellor, and I’m still not pregnant.  The new year reminded me of the fact that we’ve crossed yet another year without a baby.

I’m NOT giving up.  I’m not losing faith, this baby will come into the world.

Sometimes though, that faith just slips away when I’m not looking, and I find myself falling apart again.  That’s what happened earlier this month.  It took several days and a lot of tears, but things are headed back on track now.  My faith is restored and our plan has been generated for the new year.  The plan is:

Start Acupuncture – I have my first appointment next week.  Acupuncture has been shown to be very useful in treating infertility.  It also improves the likelihood of infertility treatments.

Do an infertility treatment – this one is pending on us either being able to raise enough money or not being hit too hard with taxes this year.

In the meantime, I’ll be working on acupuncture, nutrition, weight loss, and trying to find some fundraising ideas that will help us meet our goals.  Plus praying, praying a lot.  Praying, and praying, and believing, and knowing that it will happen, hopefully sooner than later.  So if you pray, please pray with me, pray that we’ll get pregnant quickly and not have to go do the infertility treatments, or that if we do have to do the infertility treatments that the funds will be there for it or that we’ll find a way to raise the funds that we need.  Pray for me, because I really need God’s help to keep holding strong and faithful on this journey.

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Ever since the miscarriage I have been grumpy and sad.  I thought maybe it was the hormone fluxuations, but I realized today that I have totally been avoiding dealing with any of it, and it is causing problems for me.  I’ve been trying hard to focus on the fact that I ovulated, but the fact is, I’m sad, I’m angry, and I’m sick of dealing with all of this.  7 years of trying to get pregnant with this baby.  I feel like my entire married life has been spent trying to figure out how to get pregnant.  What the heck will I do with myself when all of that stress finally comes off?  10 years of trying to get pregnant.  3 miscarriages (or is it 4, I’ve lost track, which in and of itself makes me feel awful).  1 baby who is growing up way too fast on me.  This miscarriage was really a blow.  Now I’m sad that we lost the baby.  Scared that even if I do get pregnant, I may not be able to stay pregnant, frustrated and angry that were still on this roller coaster.  I want off.  I want my baby in my arms.  I want my son to have a sibling.  I want to go through a month without counting days and looking for signs.  I’m drowning in sorrow and trying not to admit to myself or anyone else that there’s more than a drop around.  I don’t know how to deal with these emotions.  They leave me feeling alone and isolated, and I don’t like that either.  I just want to be done with it all.

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Wednesday I had a miscarriage.  I didn’t even know I was pregnant, but I miscarried.  I still don’t know where I am on that fact emotionally, because I spent the last two days focused mostly on the physical (the miscarriage caused very, very bad bleeding on Wednesday, and a bit on Thursday).  I’m sad that we got so close and then lost the baby, relieved that we didn’t know I was pregnant before the miscarriage, and happy that I actually can get pregnant.   There of course are so many negatives to the situation, but there’s nothing I can do about those, and I am trying to focus primarily on the positives which  are:

1.  I ovulated, which means my system is now at the point it is capable of ovulation.

2.  We managed to conceive from that ovulation, so when I ovulate again, we probably have pretty close to normal chances of conception.

3.  We had a successful implantation, so we know it can get that far.

Now I’m just praying my heart out that we will be able to conceive again very soon, and this one will last!   I’m also hoping that I really am doing as okay as I think I am, and this doesn’t all come crashing in on me emotionally, but if it does, I’ll deal with it then.

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Another month of having my heart ripped out.  Actually I almost wish it had been ripped out because then it wouldn’t hurt so very badly.  All because I allowed myself to hope, to dare to hope that this month we had a chance.  Another month, another negative test, and no period.  That means not only am I not pregnant, but I really didn’t ovulate.  To make matters worse, I dared to do the test today, hoping that if it was negative I would be able to keep my mind off of it because we’d have a busy morning.  What a huge mistake.  All I wanted to do all the way through 2 1/2 hrs at gymnastics was cry.  It is such a horrible feeling to be so sad around so many people and have none of them no how sad you are.  It made me feel even more alone and isolated than ever.  Not that I couldn’t have told someone, but I was so afraid of just sitting there and crying that I said nothing.  Then I came home and cried.  I tried to hide it from Nick, but he saw me, so now he is worried about his mommy.  I so don’t want this to affect him, but it already does.  For once in my life why can’t my body just do what it is supposed to do?   I feel betrayed, betrayed by my body, … betrayed by God.  Yes, I know this is a terrible thing to say, gasp, but it is what it is, not saying it will not make it true.  Why is it that God put such a deep desire in my heart for children and gave me a body that doesn’t work?  It’s just not fair!!

Emotionally, I don’t think I can handle much more of this, yet I’m also not willing to stop trying, to give up.  We could probably get pregnant if we could do a series of several infertility cycles, but the cost is so high, and we are working so hard to get out of debt.  Do we get in debt for the chance to get pregnant?  Do we not get more in debt and just keep hoping it’ll happen, even though the Dr. told me with Nick that the chances of us getting pregnant on our own are slim?   Can I live knowing we didn’t try more cycles? 

Every month is hard, it is heart wrenching to see the test.  I feel like a piece of me dies each time.  This month was even worse than usual though, because I really thought we had a good chance.

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At least I think it did… This is probably totally odd to post about in a blog, but it’s my blog and its exciting, so I’m going to post it anyways 🙂 

I am almost totally certain that I ovulated this month!  This doesn’t mean that I’ll get pregnant, but it means there’s a good chance, about 1 in 3 that I could. 

So keep me in your prayers, because after 6 years of not ovulating and struggling with fertility, we’re sooo ready to be pregnant!

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This  update is a little late because my computer has been down all week. 

Monday – I was back for my weekly appointment with Dr. Mellor.  He feels I am doing very well for the few times I have been there, and I have to agree.  I feel great, much better than I’ve felt in a very long time.  He tested me for the Gf Thyroid, but my body was saying I did not need that, so I will not be adding that in.  I did however speak to him about something to help with the smog in California (when we visit) and he gave me some detox drops for smog and some R pills which are good for restoring lung health.  He also got me started on the wheat germ oil for my c-section scar that he has wanted to put me on since I started.   Came home with 3 new meds… really hoping that I don’t have to keep taking all of these for too long as the refill costs could get astronomical.

My T-Tapp workout video finally arrived on Monday (after 3 weeks of waiting).  Right now I’m in the “Bootcamp” phase where you are supposed to do it daily.  I’m going for the longest bootcamp, the 14 day one, although I will miss a day at Christmas.  Yesterday I finally did my starting measurements for it so that I can track inch loss.  It won’t be a true day 1 because I’d already done the exercises 2 days, but I don’t think that’ll make a huge difference.  I really like this exercise program, it feels like it aligns my back when I do it, and it totally takes away the lower back pain that I’ve been having a lot of lately.

At Dr. Mellor’s I also talked to him about diet, and he has suggested I do the Cellular Healing Diet.  I picked up the book on Monday, I’ve already read it (it’s a quick read), and have decided it will be best to start it after the New Year.   The diet is very low glycemic index, and involves no sugar (or any sweetners with the exceptions of Stevia and Xylitol), and no grains (YIPES!).  So I will need to pick up some non-grain flours and some of the sweetners I’m allowed.  My goal is to make sure I have all of the supplies the first week in January, and to start the diet on the 5th or 6th, definitely no later than the 9th. 

I’m very excited because this diet has everything that they say is really good for PCOS.  I’m very hopeful that between the detoxing, herbs, diet, and exercise that over the next year I will get my body much healthier, and hopefully as a consequence lose weight.  My planned schedule for now is as follows:

Dec. 13 – start T-Tapp
Dec. 13 – 28  T-Tapp daily (except the 1 day I will be driving all day and Christmas Day)
Dec. 28 until I reach goal weight (probably 1-2 years) – T-Tapp every other day (they do not recommend doing daily after the initial bootcamp)
Jan. 1-5 Gather Supplies for new diet, make menu plans if not already made (I may post them here, I haven’t decided)
Jan. 6 Begin Advanced Cellular Healing Diet, continue until body has reached balance and make goal weight (1-2 years), then gradually transition to the Intermedial Cellular Healing Diet, and then to the Basic (if the diet works and all is well I hope to stay on basic permanently to avoid regaining weight)

I’m feeling strong and wonderful and looking forward to growing healthier every day.

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I just got back from the 3rd visit, 2nd week visit at Dr. Mellor’s.  Here are the updates for the past week:

I have been taking 7 drops each (3x per day) of the following:
Mer Detox
Food Add Detox
and
Lawn and Garden Detox

He had also prescribed A-C-P, but they were out when I was there and they never did mail it to me, so I just go that today.

This week I have noticed a clearer mind and a little more energy, although I’m still tired. 

New meds:
I will be continue with what I’m on at the same doses, adding in the ACP which I was able to pick up at their office.  I’m also adding in a new supplement called Fire tonify.  He was originally going to give me Gf which is a thyroid support, and then possibly one of the chinese elements, but when he tested fire it was so weak he decided to focus on that this week.  We may add Gf next week though.  Here’s what they say about Fire Tonify:

Support The Heart – Heart 7 (Spirit Gate), Conception Vessel helps body create an anti-parasitic environment. Supports and strengthens the health of the heart and blood circulation. Support the Heat Qi; nourish the heart and quiet the spirit; warm and free heart yang. When a person experiences back-up energy and joy in the heart, this formula can be useful; it may be used with other Systemic Heart Formulas. The formula helps people who are shy about communicating their needs.

Quite frankly I have no idea what most of that means… especially the aprt about back up energy and joy in the heart… those sound like godo things not bad 🙂  I think it’s just very poorly worded though.  However the last sentence pretty accurately describes me.

So far so good.  Still waiting for the exercise program to get here, I ordered it a week ago, but it looks like it won’t be here until next Monday!

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