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Posts Tagged ‘Speaking My Truth’

My heart is so overwhelmed with all of the blessings I’ve had lately that I just had to take a moment to share with you the incredible things that have been happening.

A couple of months ago, I found a wonderful marketing instructor names Sandi Krakowski .  I was excited because I could immediately see that she could teach me the keys I had been missing to get my business really prospering.  On top of that, she’s a Christian with beliefs quite similar to my own, AND she is a homeschooling momma!  I figured if anyone could understand how busy I feel and how to balance it all, it would be her.

Little did I know how much this woman was going to change my life.  In fact I probably still only have a peak at how much she’s going to affect it, but what has happened already is incredible.  I’ve been listening to her products for more than a month now, and they have not only increased my marketing ability (which I am still really working on), but she has given me the key I’ve been looking for the last few years.  She’s helped me to figure out what I need to be doing .

For a few years I’ve had an idea that I need to be doing something, helping someone, but I really had no idea what to do with that.  I’ve considered a number of options, but none of them really seemed right.  I’ve prayed, searched, tried to ignore it, tried to tell myself I was just being crazy and that there is no way I could ever fidn the time to do any of this in my crazy life.  I saw no way to make it happen in the real world.

Sandi frequently says that the pain of not doing what we are supposed to do often becomes greater than the pain of stepping out into it.  That is exactly what I’ve been dealing with for the last few years.  It has been downright emotionally painful.  I’ve tried to ignore it, but this feeling that I’m not using the gifts God gave me has been a constant and has about driven me bonkers.  It wasn’t for lack of wanting to, but for lack of vision about what to do.

Now I am filled with vision.  God has taken the spark he’s been putting in my spirit for the last few years, and has birthed a concept in my that I won’t let go of.  He has shown me how to make this work, where it can go, and how much I can help people.  He has given me visions and dreams, and set me on fire.  I’m a little frightened about how I will do this, but I’ve conquered bigger things and I know I can do it with His help.  I have visions of coaching people through their troubles, of public speaking (yipes!) to groups and helping them move past their issues.  I’m so fascinated to see what this will grow into and so grateful for the huge opportunity this feels like.

The website I’ve started www.adivinewalk.com is the first step towards that.  I see it becoming so much more than it is, but I will have the patience to take it one step at a time as God directs me.

Those of you who know me off of the internet may see a real change in me.  I feel so light, like a huge weight has been lifted from me.  I honestly feel like crying in relief for what this means.

I know this is the right path.  This path uses the gifts God has given  me, it makes me feel whole and complete.  I can hardly wait to move forward in it and see what He has planned beyond what He has shown me.

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Sometimes I’m a chameleon, I can blend into a group and go almost unnoticed.  Sometimes, that’s a good thing.  Sometimes, I lose myself though too.

Since I’ve moved to Idaho, and actually, if I really reflect on it probably well before that, I have felt this sense of not fully knowing or understanding who I am.  I’ve always been rather introspective, but this is different, more of a lost feeling.  Perhaps it was working my entire life to become a teacher and then realizing that I was not happy doing that.  I’m sure that was part.  I’ve always had a tendency to mirror people, and the way I act around people tends to change depending on the group I am with.  I guess that is true of everyone, we all bring out different qualities in one another.

Anyways, the point of this post is not about feeling lost, but rather finding the core of who I am.

I’ve been searching on and off for that part of me for years.  This year it took on a different angle.  I started looking for my passions.  What am I passionate about?  Am I passionate about anything?  It’s taken the entire year, but I’ve finally realized what I’m passionate about.  I’ve actually known it all along, I just didn’t accept those as things people can be passionate about.  I do this to myself a lot.  My interests are eclectic, and the things I feel passionate about are unusual, but they are who I am, and what makes up me.

The interesting thing is that those of you reading this that know me well will probably not be surprised by these at all, because they are so core to me and who I am.   Of course it would be impossible to create an entire list of everything I’m passionate about, but some of the most important are:

– Helping people.  Anyway that I can, I love to help people.  Whether it’s a major project or a small cheer up, it makes my day.

– Teaching people about the power of forgiveness.  I keep this one under wraps a lot except with my very closest of friends, but it’s one I’d like to explore more of.

– Listening to people.  Whether it’s listening to people chatting with one another in the store, or listening intently to a friend with a problem who needs a loving ear.  I could listen to people all day long.

– Talking to people.  I love to talk, but I spent most of my childhood being teased about how much I talk, so I don’t say as much anymore.  I’m working at bringing this into a healthier place.

– Helping those who have survived abuses reclaim their lives and move forward.  I wish I got a chance to do this as much as I used to, I miss it, but it is very much at the core of me.

– Developing a real relationship with God, and helping other women learn to do the same, in their own ways.

– Understanding other people’s beliefs, why they are important, and what I can learn from them.

– Spending time with my family, and finding a way to do more of it and more peacefully.

– Loving people, helping them see how wonderful they really are.

Okay, that is just a few of them, but I think it covers the core.  So what do I do with these?  Most of them have been laying stagnant the last few years.  Now I need to find a way to make them a bigger part of my life, without driving myself crazy with more things to do.  Sandi Krakowski, the marketing genius says over and over that we should build businesses around our passions.  How on earth would I build a business around those?  Yes they tie together, but I can’t envision it.  Food for thought, perhaps in addition to this business I can start a business of helping some day.

I was just going to post this and I had another thought… my God given gifts tie in very closely with these skills to.  I know that I have a mission here, I just need to figure out what it is!

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I love living here.  I love the wonderful people we’ve met since we moved here, I love the waterfall, the snow, the library that actually gets used be real live people, living less than 2 hours from Yellowstone, and so much more.  But most of all, I love living in a community with people who don’t think it’s weird when you say God told you to do something or you feel like you are supposed to do xyz.  I love living in a place that is full of people with beliefs that run as deep as they do.

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My beautiful new bracelet arrived 🙂  It’s exactly what I was looking for.  If you haven’t heard or read the story of my bracelet,  about 2 weeks ago I started looking all over for a piece of jewelry to celebrate healing.  I searched and searched everywhere to find just the right thing  would represent everything I wanted it to represent, and here it is!!  I am so excited.

My Healing Bracelet

My Healing Bracelet

 Did I say how excited I am???   (Sorry about the lousy photo).  Here’s what the bracelet stands for:

–  The bracelet itself is in commemoration of 20 years since I first talked about my experiences as a child and 15 years since what I like to refer to as “The Great Healing”… if you’ve never heard my healing story, ask me sometime, it’s pretty cool.

– Blue – the blue is the color that represents child abuse awareness (their ribbon color), it is to remind me of where I have been, and what I have overcome with God’s help.

– Pearl –  The symbol of purity, spiritual growth, and all things beautiful inside of us.   A reminder not to keep the beautiful things locked inside where no one can see them.  A pearl is beautiful, but it can not be appreciated while it is hidden in the oyster.  It is also the symbol of Christ.

–  Silver – Silver symbolized the acceptance of struggle and growth through experience.  It reminds me that there is something good to be taken from every situation.

– The Strength Charm – reminds me that God has given me the strength to face anything and that I am a strong person.

– The Courage Charm  reminds me that I had the courage to face head on what most people avoid facing. 

Together the strength and courage remind me that I not only have had strength and courage in the past, but that those remain within me for any problem I might encounter.

– The Faith charm is to remind me that faith needs to be the center of everything.  Without faith I have none of the others, but with faith, I can do anything.

– The Ribbon dangly charm at the back (isn’t that cute!)  reminds me that through sharing the stories of our journeys with others, we share our strength, bring awareness, and help heal both ourselves and others.

 

Thank you to Melinda at http://www.mpdesignsjewelry.com/ for designing the perfect bracelet and making  a minor tweak to it for me!

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This kind of spurred from reading Tracy’s blog about scars also, but it really has very little to do with it, and is totally off the wall from the last post about scars, so I thought I’d make it seperate.

The definition of a scar is :

A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or wound has healed (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/scar)

Scars are powerful, they show where we have been injured, but they also show that we have healed.  I’ve often heard people who have been abused say that they almost wish they had a scar to show what they have been through.   I have felt this way before at times in my life.  A scar is visible proof of an event in our life.  I have no desire for a physical scar to add to the list of scars I have earned over the years.  Yet I wonder if I had a scar, if it wouldn’t be easier to share my story, if I could point to a scar and say, this happened, but God healed me… that would be incredible.  Why is it okay to talk about physical injuries, by we are expected to hide emotional ones, it’s not like we don’t all have our emotional wounds to contend with? 

I am seriously thinking about calling  my new bracelet my scar.  It represents what I have been through, but more importantly it celebrates the fact that I have healed and become stronger because of my life’s experiences.  It represents healing, courage, strength, faith, and so much more.

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I was reading Tracy’s blog  today and it was amazingly on so similar a topic to what I was thinking today, that I just had to post about it.   The only problem is, I have several posts all dancing together in my head about the topic of scars.  They may come together here, or I may ended up doing them as seperate posts… so I hope you’ll stick with me.

First off, she had this wonderful quote:

Scars remind us where we’ve been,
but do not have to dictate where we are going.

I’ve believed this for many years, but I always love hearing other people say it.  Our pasts are not meant to define us.  At the same time, they do contribute to who we are today.  Every experience we have contributes to who we are, but the fact that we have a certain experience does not need to define who we are as a person, or limit us in any way.   My experiences have made me who I am, and for the most part, I am quite happy with who that is. 

What is a scar?  To me, when I think of a scar, I think of the mark left from healing a wound.  A scab is  not a scar, it has not healed, we don’t get the scar until we have actually healed the wound.  There is a very important thing to remember about scars.  Physically, when a wound heals and a scar forms, we become stronger in that place.  Skin grows back tougher after a scar than before the scar.  Bones are stronger at the place of a healed break than in unbroken places.  Emotional scars are the same way.  If we allow God to heal our wounds, then we develop a scar, a place of healing, an area where we become stronger.

No one gets through life without wounds, and without scars.  It is up to us whether we allow God to heal our gaping wounds and turn them into strong scars, or whether we refuse and keep making our wounds bleed, refusing to allow them to heal.  I’ve done both, and let me tell you, it’s better to allow God to fix and set the wound so that it can heal.  It may hurt worse for a short time, but then you will be better.  If you don’t allow him to heal it, then you will end up with a huge, gaping , stinky, pussy wound that hurts like heck and contaminates everything around it.

God wants to heal us if we will let him.  I know He is still healing me, in fact if you’ve read the posts I’ve made this week, you’ll know that I am working on healing again right now.  Still, I am constantly amazed at God’s healing power and how much He has healed me.

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Why don’t we share our stories?  Some people do, and I’ve always admired the people who will openly share their stories with others.  So why don’t I share my story?   It’s not because I’m afraid of people knowing my story, in fact I love to tell people  about the incredible healing God did for me.  So why don’t I share it then?

Not sharing my story is not good for me, this I’ve come to realize.  In fact I really only just realized recently that I have completely stopped telling my story the last 10 years.  Once I healed, I stopped telling my story, but I don’t want to, I want people to know how incredible God is, what He has done for me, and what He wants to do for all of us if we’ll let him.  

So, why don’t I tell my story?  As a child I was told not to tell, to always keep up appearances of being the perfect family.  As a young adult, first telling my story, I was cautioned incessantly about boundaries (it’s not like I was running around telling the world or anything, but boundaries are expected to be an issue for the abused when they first start telling their story I guess).  I was cautioned that telling my story would make people uncomfortable, and maybe at that time, when I was in the midst of the pain, that might have been true.  I was told that people may intentionally or unintentionally say hurtful things (I’m sorry, but I have enough sense to not tell people who would intentionally say hurtful things, and I am a very forgiving person, I can deal with the unintentional by accepting the feeling behind a statement not the spoken meaning).  Others told me that if I told people I had been abused, that they would assume I would become an abuser… this was horrific to me, although in hind site, if you honestly think that you need to understand that that is not the case at all.  Still, these things made me very cautious to say anything.

I’ve been in this world for more than 37 years now.  It has been 20 years since I first told my story.  It has been 15 years since I allowed God to heal me, as he had been trying to do for so long.  In all of those years, I have never once received a response like those above.  In fact just the opposite.  Likewise, those who I have seen share their own stories of hurt, pain, and healing, have generally been accepted and their honesty and openness appreciated and valued. 

There is no reason to hide.

I will not hide my story any longer.  I will share it with those who it might help.  I will speak it openly and show others that God really does heal, and that he wants to heal everyone, if we will just let Him.  I will share my story, and not be silent any longer… for any reason.  I will let God show others, through me, how completely and totally He can heal us.

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