Posts Tagged ‘struggles’

This has been an incredible week (let’s hope our luck holds a few more days for that test!)

This week I am thankful for:

  • B finally using the potty!!  No accidents this week at all so far.  She’s been potty training the entire almost 2 years that she’s been with us.  She obviously wasn’t ready to start 2 years ago, but mom and dad were anxious, and then I think it became a power struggle, but whatever it was, she’s had a great week this week.
  • Finding out that my mommy’s surgery which had supposedly been denied, had not been denied at all… it hasn’t been approved yet, but we are supposed to find out today whether it is approved.
  • Our new life insurance policy finally went through (woohooo!!!).  This was very important because, first of all, we needed more insurance on Erik than we’ve been carrying, and second, we need the money from our first policy to pay off the machine repairs froma few weeks ago.  We will now have a more economical term life policy instead of the weird policy we had before, we’re getting more than twice the coverage (almost 3x actually) for Erik, and a bit more for me and paying just a few dollars more than before.
  • Sun… sun… and more sun!!  We got to go to the park yesterday and for a beautiful walk today.  It’s so beautiful it’s almost too hot to wear sweaters anymore (I better get some short sleeved shirts soon, I don’t have any left from last year, but new clothes are always fun 🙂  ).  I even got a sunburn yesterday!
  • Our fixed hospital bill for Nick.  Originally the hospital billed us more than $800 for Nick’s emergency room visit (when he hit his head on a tree while sledding).  We were going to put in a dispute because they billed it as a level 4 trauma, which when my mom told me what that was, I knew they had misbilled.  I told the lady in billing we were going to dispute it, apparently she put in the dispute for us!  Last week we got notification that it had been changed from level 4 to level 2.  This week we got notice that that meant it dropped from more than $800 to $150!!! 
  • For the first time since we moved to Idaho, our finances are really looking up.
  • I have also somehow managed to wait to test until it will be long enough to get accurate results… please be praying for a positive result and a sticky (as in one that sticks, not as in one that has problems)  pregnancy!  After all of this time my emotions are getting very raw on the subject again.
  • The most giving child on the planet.  Nick spent a half hour crying the other day because he wanted to make something for me but couldn’t figure out what.  I felt awful that he was crying, but touched that he wanted sooooooooooo badly to do something for me (I did offer suggestions, but he didn’t like any of them).
  • Homeschooling, and getting to spend every day with my little miracle child.
  • An absolutely amazing natural doctor.

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Why don’t we share our stories?  Some people do, and I’ve always admired the people who will openly share their stories with others.  So why don’t I share my story?   It’s not because I’m afraid of people knowing my story, in fact I love to tell people  about the incredible healing God did for me.  So why don’t I share it then?

Not sharing my story is not good for me, this I’ve come to realize.  In fact I really only just realized recently that I have completely stopped telling my story the last 10 years.  Once I healed, I stopped telling my story, but I don’t want to, I want people to know how incredible God is, what He has done for me, and what He wants to do for all of us if we’ll let him.  

So, why don’t I tell my story?  As a child I was told not to tell, to always keep up appearances of being the perfect family.  As a young adult, first telling my story, I was cautioned incessantly about boundaries (it’s not like I was running around telling the world or anything, but boundaries are expected to be an issue for the abused when they first start telling their story I guess).  I was cautioned that telling my story would make people uncomfortable, and maybe at that time, when I was in the midst of the pain, that might have been true.  I was told that people may intentionally or unintentionally say hurtful things (I’m sorry, but I have enough sense to not tell people who would intentionally say hurtful things, and I am a very forgiving person, I can deal with the unintentional by accepting the feeling behind a statement not the spoken meaning).  Others told me that if I told people I had been abused, that they would assume I would become an abuser… this was horrific to me, although in hind site, if you honestly think that you need to understand that that is not the case at all.  Still, these things made me very cautious to say anything.

I’ve been in this world for more than 37 years now.  It has been 20 years since I first told my story.  It has been 15 years since I allowed God to heal me, as he had been trying to do for so long.  In all of those years, I have never once received a response like those above.  In fact just the opposite.  Likewise, those who I have seen share their own stories of hurt, pain, and healing, have generally been accepted and their honesty and openness appreciated and valued. 

There is no reason to hide.

I will not hide my story any longer.  I will share it with those who it might help.  I will speak it openly and show others that God really does heal, and that he wants to heal everyone, if we will just let Him.  I will share my story, and not be silent any longer… for any reason.  I will let God show others, through me, how completely and totally He can heal us.

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Every year I set goals for the year, some are at the beginning of the year, some get added in as the year passes.  For the past several months I have been setting up within myself for a new goal.  This may sound a little odd, but some goals require much more determination than others.  This is one of those.  I’m calling this my “speaking my truth” goal.  Those who know me know that I am generally a quiet person, unless you are my family in which case you probably think I never shut up LOL…. anyways, I have always enjoyed listening to other people and would much rather listen than talk, which I think is okay, but I’m realizing I have gotten to the point that I really need to do more talking.  I need more friends in my life, and I need to be more verbally open.  Generally I will speak to anyone about pretty much anything, as long as I have something to say, I don’t have a lot of taboo topics, but at the same time, I rarely do talk to anyone about anything, in this is what I’m working to change.  Most importantly, I want to openly discuss my beliefs, the wonderful things God has done in my life, which I realize are beyond what many people have the opportunity to experience, and which I am so grateful for.  I want to open my spirit up and pour forth my truths.  I just need to figure out how to do that now.

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I’ve been learning a lot lately about how the way we choose to look at something affects how we see that issue, and the effect it has on our lives. Like most people, I’ve heard this millions of times, but lately I have realy come to understand it and see just how much our perception can change things.

We can choose to view anything that happens to us as a problem, or as a blessing. Even those things that seem like hardships teach us and help us become better people, sometimes the moments that seem the hardest in our lives are also the most defining. Likewise, even with the most wonderful things that can happen to us, if we search we will find problems in them. That wonderful new responsibility that we were so excited to get takes time away from something else we enjoy doing.

Today I was looking at some music on youtube and came across the song “Breath of Heaven”, which is one of my all time favorite songs. It is basically sung from Mary’s point of view when she is pregnant. Anyways, that got me thinking. Mary is generally viewed as one of the most blessed women of all time, I mean this is the woman who gave birth to and raised Christ, what an incredible priviledge. And what a nightmare! Think of all the things that poor woman went through in her life. She could easily have wondered why God did this to her. What did she do wrong that made God give her a son who she would have to watch struggle just because of who He is? What did she do wrong to have to watch her innocent son get tortured and hung on a cross by the very people he’d been trying to help? Imagine what she must have faced. Did she view it as an awesome priviledge? An awesome burden? A punishment? I really can’t tell you, we don’t know much about what life was like for her. It was her decision though, certainly she could very easily have justified any of these answers.

My point is that everything that happens in our life can either be a blessing or a burden, it is up to us to decide which it is. I am really going to try to work much harder to view life’s situations as blessings rather than problems.

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I’ve been doing more reading in my Chosen to Remember book, have I mentioned this book is amazing? Anyways, today’s reading was talking about the walls we build around ourselves in order to protect ourself.

I am a proficient wall builder, I learned at a very young age how to build very good walls. At times my walls have been nearly impenetrable. At one point I had brought my walls down significantly, but unless I purposely and mindfully keep them down, I tend to rebuild them over time.

Anyhow, the author was writing that we build walls to defend ourselves, but in reality, we are building walls because we fear that we are not really worth defending, that we are worthless. We build the walls to keep people from seeing who we really are. This is totally unnecessary though, because the person that is hidden behind those walls, the part of us that we are hiding behind all of the fear, judgement, and other things of the world, that person is God’s perfect creation. We are God’s perfect creation. I am God’s perfect creation.

This leaves us with a choice. We can accept ourselves as God’s perfect creations and live our lives truly KNOWING we are God’s perfect creations. If we see ourselves as God’s perfect creations, we will also be able to see the perfection of God’s creations in others, and be able to view them with the pure love of God. This path will bring us the peace that only comes from a close relationship with God. On the other hand, we can continue to see ourselves through the illusions of the world and the walls that we have built around ourselves, illusions built by judgement, fear, and seperation. If we choose this road, we will find ourselves viewing others with judgement and/or fear, and will find that road leads to a lack of peace as judgement and strife pull us away from God.

There was so much more, but I just really needed to share this.

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