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Posts Tagged ‘Who I Am’

My heart is so overwhelmed with all of the blessings I’ve had lately that I just had to take a moment to share with you the incredible things that have been happening.

A couple of months ago, I found a wonderful marketing instructor names Sandi Krakowski .  I was excited because I could immediately see that she could teach me the keys I had been missing to get my business really prospering.  On top of that, she’s a Christian with beliefs quite similar to my own, AND she is a homeschooling momma!  I figured if anyone could understand how busy I feel and how to balance it all, it would be her.

Little did I know how much this woman was going to change my life.  In fact I probably still only have a peak at how much she’s going to affect it, but what has happened already is incredible.  I’ve been listening to her products for more than a month now, and they have not only increased my marketing ability (which I am still really working on), but she has given me the key I’ve been looking for the last few years.  She’s helped me to figure out what I need to be doing .

For a few years I’ve had an idea that I need to be doing something, helping someone, but I really had no idea what to do with that.  I’ve considered a number of options, but none of them really seemed right.  I’ve prayed, searched, tried to ignore it, tried to tell myself I was just being crazy and that there is no way I could ever fidn the time to do any of this in my crazy life.  I saw no way to make it happen in the real world.

Sandi frequently says that the pain of not doing what we are supposed to do often becomes greater than the pain of stepping out into it.  That is exactly what I’ve been dealing with for the last few years.  It has been downright emotionally painful.  I’ve tried to ignore it, but this feeling that I’m not using the gifts God gave me has been a constant and has about driven me bonkers.  It wasn’t for lack of wanting to, but for lack of vision about what to do.

Now I am filled with vision.  God has taken the spark he’s been putting in my spirit for the last few years, and has birthed a concept in my that I won’t let go of.  He has shown me how to make this work, where it can go, and how much I can help people.  He has given me visions and dreams, and set me on fire.  I’m a little frightened about how I will do this, but I’ve conquered bigger things and I know I can do it with His help.  I have visions of coaching people through their troubles, of public speaking (yipes!) to groups and helping them move past their issues.  I’m so fascinated to see what this will grow into and so grateful for the huge opportunity this feels like.

The website I’ve started www.adivinewalk.com is the first step towards that.  I see it becoming so much more than it is, but I will have the patience to take it one step at a time as God directs me.

Those of you who know me off of the internet may see a real change in me.  I feel so light, like a huge weight has been lifted from me.  I honestly feel like crying in relief for what this means.

I know this is the right path.  This path uses the gifts God has given  me, it makes me feel whole and complete.  I can hardly wait to move forward in it and see what He has planned beyond what He has shown me.

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I’ve been thinking about inspiration the last few days.  I go through periods on a regular basis where I feel alive and inspired, and ready  to run out and change things, often set off by reading something wonderful or some other divine inspiration.  Other times reality presses down, and I am surrounded by all of the things that must be done or frustrated by life not going the way I feel it should be.  I’ve definitely been in the frustrated mode lately, but the inspiration hasn’t left during that time.  I still feel inspired to start acting, which really makes me think it’s time to start moving with some of these ideas, but how?  That’s the problem, and I think that is largely responsible for much of the frustration I feel. 

I feel inspired to create something, to create a place for women to share their lives, to grow from one another’s stories, experiences, and inspirations.  To support one another in their current endeavors, whether it be as a sounding board, prayer support, or through supportive actions.  I KNOW there is a real need for this too, and I have a real vision of how it could unfold.  I just can’t seem to figure out how to get it started.  I’m not the kind of person who has dozens of friends to call to help spread the word, or move something like this forward.   These thoughts take me back to my college years, because it was so easy to start things then, and I wonder if there isn’t knowledge to be gleaned from those experiences… I’m sure there’s some wisdom sitting right in front of me, but I just can’t seem to find it.  

How do I take this pool of inspiration and build it into what it is supposed to be?  How do I make it come alive?  Where do I even start?

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This has been an incredible week (let’s hope our luck holds a few more days for that test!)

This week I am thankful for:

  • B finally using the potty!!  No accidents this week at all so far.  She’s been potty training the entire almost 2 years that she’s been with us.  She obviously wasn’t ready to start 2 years ago, but mom and dad were anxious, and then I think it became a power struggle, but whatever it was, she’s had a great week this week.
  • Finding out that my mommy’s surgery which had supposedly been denied, had not been denied at all… it hasn’t been approved yet, but we are supposed to find out today whether it is approved.
  • Our new life insurance policy finally went through (woohooo!!!).  This was very important because, first of all, we needed more insurance on Erik than we’ve been carrying, and second, we need the money from our first policy to pay off the machine repairs froma few weeks ago.  We will now have a more economical term life policy instead of the weird policy we had before, we’re getting more than twice the coverage (almost 3x actually) for Erik, and a bit more for me and paying just a few dollars more than before.
  • Sun… sun… and more sun!!  We got to go to the park yesterday and for a beautiful walk today.  It’s so beautiful it’s almost too hot to wear sweaters anymore (I better get some short sleeved shirts soon, I don’t have any left from last year, but new clothes are always fun 🙂  ).  I even got a sunburn yesterday!
  • Our fixed hospital bill for Nick.  Originally the hospital billed us more than $800 for Nick’s emergency room visit (when he hit his head on a tree while sledding).  We were going to put in a dispute because they billed it as a level 4 trauma, which when my mom told me what that was, I knew they had misbilled.  I told the lady in billing we were going to dispute it, apparently she put in the dispute for us!  Last week we got notification that it had been changed from level 4 to level 2.  This week we got notice that that meant it dropped from more than $800 to $150!!! 
  • For the first time since we moved to Idaho, our finances are really looking up.
  • I have also somehow managed to wait to test until it will be long enough to get accurate results… please be praying for a positive result and a sticky (as in one that sticks, not as in one that has problems)  pregnancy!  After all of this time my emotions are getting very raw on the subject again.
  • The most giving child on the planet.  Nick spent a half hour crying the other day because he wanted to make something for me but couldn’t figure out what.  I felt awful that he was crying, but touched that he wanted sooooooooooo badly to do something for me (I did offer suggestions, but he didn’t like any of them).
  • Homeschooling, and getting to spend every day with my little miracle child.
  • An absolutely amazing natural doctor.

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Moving Forward

I’ve been continuing to ponder this urge to really reach out and do something for survivors who are early in their recovery journey.   I have been questioning why this has suddenly come up.  The thought that I would like to do something has come up before, but never quite like this.  So why now?  Where is the all coming from?

What I am realizing though is that for many years I was immersed in the pain, unable to help anyone because I was fighting so hard to keep my head above water (and sometimes downright failing).  When that came to an end, when I finally healed enough that I didn’t feel the pain dragging me under, in fact all of it reached normal memory proportions, rather than nightmare, reliving, etc… I was so relieved to be able to live like a “normal” person, that I have been revelling in it for years!  I have no shame or guilt in this, it has been wonderful.  That isn’t to say there haven’t been the occasional struggles or angst because of the memories, but it has been so far from consuming. 

Now I am ready for the next step.  I am ready to move past “normalcy” into helping others.  I feel strong, capable,  joyful, and empowered.  I want other women to see that moving through it is necessary, it is helpful (albeit painful), and it does have an end, it isn’t a forever thing.  I know that I could blog or such, but I really feel like that is an area that is well covered.  I think women need someone they can talk to, who can listen, who knows what it is like.  I think friends of survivors need someone who can help them understand  what their friends are going through, and how they can help.  I think churches need to know how to handle these situations properly, without causing harm, and the spiritual struggles that survivors go through. 

How do I fit into this though, I just don’t know.  I don’t, quite frankly, even know where to start.

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I love living here.  I love the wonderful people we’ve met since we moved here, I love the waterfall, the snow, the library that actually gets used be real live people, living less than 2 hours from Yellowstone, and so much more.  But most of all, I love living in a community with people who don’t think it’s weird when you say God told you to do something or you feel like you are supposed to do xyz.  I love living in a place that is full of people with beliefs that run as deep as they do.

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My beautiful new bracelet arrived 🙂  It’s exactly what I was looking for.  If you haven’t heard or read the story of my bracelet,  about 2 weeks ago I started looking all over for a piece of jewelry to celebrate healing.  I searched and searched everywhere to find just the right thing  would represent everything I wanted it to represent, and here it is!!  I am so excited.

My Healing Bracelet

My Healing Bracelet

 Did I say how excited I am???   (Sorry about the lousy photo).  Here’s what the bracelet stands for:

–  The bracelet itself is in commemoration of 20 years since I first talked about my experiences as a child and 15 years since what I like to refer to as “The Great Healing”… if you’ve never heard my healing story, ask me sometime, it’s pretty cool.

– Blue – the blue is the color that represents child abuse awareness (their ribbon color), it is to remind me of where I have been, and what I have overcome with God’s help.

– Pearl –  The symbol of purity, spiritual growth, and all things beautiful inside of us.   A reminder not to keep the beautiful things locked inside where no one can see them.  A pearl is beautiful, but it can not be appreciated while it is hidden in the oyster.  It is also the symbol of Christ.

–  Silver – Silver symbolized the acceptance of struggle and growth through experience.  It reminds me that there is something good to be taken from every situation.

– The Strength Charm – reminds me that God has given me the strength to face anything and that I am a strong person.

– The Courage Charm  reminds me that I had the courage to face head on what most people avoid facing. 

Together the strength and courage remind me that I not only have had strength and courage in the past, but that those remain within me for any problem I might encounter.

– The Faith charm is to remind me that faith needs to be the center of everything.  Without faith I have none of the others, but with faith, I can do anything.

– The Ribbon dangly charm at the back (isn’t that cute!)  reminds me that through sharing the stories of our journeys with others, we share our strength, bring awareness, and help heal both ourselves and others.

 

Thank you to Melinda at http://www.mpdesignsjewelry.com/ for designing the perfect bracelet and making  a minor tweak to it for me!

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This kind of spurred from reading Tracy’s blog about scars also, but it really has very little to do with it, and is totally off the wall from the last post about scars, so I thought I’d make it seperate.

The definition of a scar is :

A mark left on the skin after a surface injury or wound has healed (http://www.thefreedictionary.com/scar)

Scars are powerful, they show where we have been injured, but they also show that we have healed.  I’ve often heard people who have been abused say that they almost wish they had a scar to show what they have been through.   I have felt this way before at times in my life.  A scar is visible proof of an event in our life.  I have no desire for a physical scar to add to the list of scars I have earned over the years.  Yet I wonder if I had a scar, if it wouldn’t be easier to share my story, if I could point to a scar and say, this happened, but God healed me… that would be incredible.  Why is it okay to talk about physical injuries, by we are expected to hide emotional ones, it’s not like we don’t all have our emotional wounds to contend with? 

I am seriously thinking about calling  my new bracelet my scar.  It represents what I have been through, but more importantly it celebrates the fact that I have healed and become stronger because of my life’s experiences.  It represents healing, courage, strength, faith, and so much more.

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